It’s funny how some thigns come to you and inspire you to write or at least get the thoughts out someplace or another. In my case, it’s here on the Blog where the world can read, dissect, and make fun of whatever is bugging me.

In this case, it’s thoughts of the malignancies from this summer. Nothing new or fresh happened: the closest thing to news would be the fact I got a Christmas card from said malignance after the holiday. I didn’t even open it — because of the anger it brings out in me.

That’s the whole point of this post: It’s not healthy to brood about something that went wrong or something that happened in the past. It’s not healthy to sit on it and bubble over with thoughts that are just negative toward what happened. Negative and brooding.

A half hearted attempt in a card to thaw the ice didn’t exactly play well with me – not after five months of nothing. Nor would showing up in one form or another now and trying to play friendly. Thawing the ice isn’t going to happen when I have gotten to sit on the malignancies seven months.

But that’s not even supposed to be the point of this post. The stubbornness on display? The fact I am still angry after all this time? That’s the point — it’s bringing out the worst in me. Good friendships or other relationships are supposed to help you highlight your best thoughts and actions. The best of your character.

Chalk this up as another thing I’ve learned.

I’ve got a friend who likes to highlight his frustrations and sometimes show off a perpetual defeatist attitude: One where he goes into a situation worried and “a wreck” and comes out worse off with no confidence at all. Usually these are either social situations where he’s trying to make inroads with a virtual stranger / romantic interest or job interviews where he feels like he has to sell himself.

Well, he has to do that in both… Or he’s certain of it. Sell who he is and what he stands for and demonstrate it.

In comparison, my worry is attaining these situations. I’m not fearful, going into it, of screwing up a job interview or a social meeting but I know that afterward I will worry that I did just that. Be it a job interview or a date. I don’t sell myself but I try to be myself.

But like I said, it’s attaining these things that worries me. That challenges me. That makes me a wreck and makes me frustrated. I scan over job listings and I see jobs I could do but then there is one, two, three, maybe a few other details that I know I couldn’t handle or things I cannot fill in because I lack those credentials. On dating sites, it’s seeing someone’s image and knowing that’s just what you want and then not getting a reciprocation of interest when you reach out to them. Or worse, “Thanks but no thanks.” Some dating sites are worse because you find out how “compatible” you are with someone and see you are not nearly their ideal… Or lack one or two key intangibles time and again on every single listing you read and requirements of what the other person wants.

You start doubting yourself and everything about yourself. Do you have skills? Absolutely. Do you have talent? Unquestionably. Do you have something to offer in a relationship? Undoubtedly…

…they just don’t seem to apply to anything you are applying for, though.

It feels like there is a phantom job that is out there just for you. There’s a phantom person that is waiting for you to drop into their lives. I’m not even talking about ideals here, but I am talking about something above bottom-of-the-barrel. I’ve been in both jobs and relationships that I ended up feeling were beneath me. The job didn’t make me feel so bad because I was being productive and I gave my all for my paycheck. You don’t get a “paycheck” in a relationship, so to speak, so you better damn well feel productive and happy with who you are with.

But in the hunt for either a job or a relationship, I end up feeling torn down before I even get a chance to make an attempt. That’s a repeatedly poor situation that just keeps popping up.

The last post — the video — got me thinking to some of my own endeavors with SMS / TXT messages over the years. I’ve spent hours on multitudes of people waiting for responses, hanging in limbo, hitting highs and lows over anagrams, or perhaps misinterpreting things that are being said or not getting the entire context of the story or getting to talking about anything of substance..

Enough of that shit.

Seriously, one or two messages from people who I normally converse with and share the context of their lives with is fine. Because txt is simply a surrogate while they can’t be in touch with me or I can’t be in touch with them via email, IM or on the phone.

But in certain cases, txt replaces chatting and it’s unhealthy. It leaves you out of the loop in general on people’s lives and you find yourself disconnected from them.

I may be hearing impaired but most people know how to get in touch with me if they want talk. But to keep doing it solely by txt? Sorry, not happening any more.

July 26th, 2008 Edit: I humored someone with this, the same person that sort of highlighted the lack-of-context aspects of txt/sms. Part of me wanted to keep the connection open… And decided to cater to the lazy aspect of said person.

…but that lack-of-context helped kill a long time friendship in the end. Lack-of-context led to lack of information, lack of information turned to lack of honesty and frankness, lack of this turned to disrespect and everything went

kaaaaaabloooooie!

.

In limited use, sms/txt are a great tool. To keep in touch in general, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

This would be funny if some of it weren’t so true:

How often do you draw conclusions with someone when either you are out of the loop or just not in contact with them?

You know, obtusely, some things about them but you’re not living their lives… You’re not that up on their lives either. You just know them and you sorta count on them to keep you informed.

I can go back years and cite instances where I got upset nto knowing what the deal was and not being included. Not being kept in the know. The mind races to try to understand all the things that could have happened. Sometimes they are negative, sometimes they are impossible, sometimes they are better plot twists than ar eoffered by Hollywood screenwriters.

I had that happen to me just this weekend. You need only look over to one of my last posts to see me whining and pining. For three days I didn’t hear a thing until Tuesday when all wasn’t just right but good, great and fantastic with thanks to my “sweet” gift.

But how many stories did I think up from Friday on? How many excuses or reasosn for rejection did I have run through my mind?

All this just because of the silence… Just because I hadn’t talked… How often does that happen for the masses?

Valentines Day is over commercialized.

It’s odd that t hsi very cynicism set myself up for a downfall yesterday. No, not that I forgot the holiday for a certain someone — it’s that I set myself up for the letdown by playing cynic with the cynic I had tagged as Valenine.

Me “Happy Valentines Day”
Them: “Happy Fake Holiday”
Me: “Happy bitter singles day”

The conversation went on to discuss how Spain has a special holiday for single/recently broken up with people ont eh day after valentines, but through all this I took it as a cue she hadn’t gotten my gift and thus was set up for a surprise.

Well, if she checked her PO Box.

Yeah, by compounding the cynicism I only built up the idea that I hadn’t gotten anything — that or the holiday has just become an excuse to put high ticket items on sale. Heaven forbid someone actually writes,/creates something personal in order to touch someone’s heart on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.

Romance isn’t dead… Realism and cynicism are holding it hostage though and the retailers are paying for the hostage-takers risk.

I’m going to a Japanese Steakhouse and Sushi bar tomorrow. I’ve never done Japanese meals — Sushi or Japanese prepared entries. That being said, I could use some advice on what to try or what to avoid.

I’d like to get through this without gagging, or without throwing up and looking like a fool (not that I can avoid it) too badly… So please comment away for, say, the next 16 hours…

Back in July, I wrote a disgusted little message to myself:

Note to self: People make time for what’s important to them. Be they friends, ideas, events, etc. Proof of this is someone’s trip to (South Florida) while not being able to stop by while only a matter of blocks away during upteen days of (recent) past.

So what should we have learned here kids? “You make time for what’s important to you” as I said directly. You make time for kids, you make time for pets, you make time for friends and certainly for those you have interest in. When you or someone else doesn’t make that time – well, search down deeply enough to see if what’s important to you is as important as what is keeping you from those that matter to you.

Why am I bringing all this stuff up? Because after an eye opening encounter I’ve gone right back to this square one. From the point where I have someone aware of what’s been obvious for a while to right back to what I used to deal with.

Closing from that post in July that I linked to and quoted at the top? It still applies: And so it goes, and so it stays…

You know, I tried to find the perfect way to write up a story about my night last night but “Do I have to say the words?” seems perfect in describing it. What I thought was obvious had to be stated. What I thought was apparent, had to be admitted.

What comes from it remains to be seen, but at least I’m not sitting on things.

(this absolutely vague message was brought to you by Al Gore, astrologers everywhere and the letter O!)

Note to self: People make time for what’s important to them. Be they people, ideas, events, etc. Proof of this is someone’s trip to Jupiter while not being able to stop by while only a matter of blocks away during upteen days of past.

So it goes, and so it stays…