For those who are unaware (and the general web-cosmos out there), I’m deaf.  Stone deaf.  Lost my hearing by way of genetic disorder and lost my hearing at 18.  I was implanted with a version of Cochlear’s Nucleus-22 processor (known as the ABI) but didn’t go through with having it “turned on” (so to speak) until October of 2001.

…and if I knew how well I would hear with this implanted device, I would have gone through with it much sooner. 

The thing is, with the implanted device, you have had to wear body-worn equipment to make it work.  Stuff on your person.  And for eight years, I’ve been wearing what essentially is a obsolete piece of equipment.  The Spectra-22 was originally state -of-the-art in about 1989 – give or take a few years.  While the entire concept of a late-deaf person hearing again is fantastic, technology sometimes does limit as much as it enables.   Like in my case.

I’ve been complaining to my audiologist in Los Angeles about hwo I cannot “turn the corner” with sound — while I hear and understand most everyday sounds, noises and what-have-you, I have an issue with understanding spoken word from people.  I’m not all that great understanding generally day-to-day talking.  Watching TV?  I need closed captioning.  Trying to chit-chat with family or friends?  Harrowing experience where I have to do more speaking than attempting to listen.  Group conversation?  Fughettaboutit.  There’s no friggin’ way I follow a conversation that is more than me and someone else.

Part of that is the limitation of the speech processor hardware.  Part of that is a limitation of the implanted device in itself.  Part of that is just me — after all, I started losing m hearing at around age 13 and conversation soon turned to blah-blah-blah unless I really focused.  calling it laziness wouldn’t be out fo the question.  In fact, part of me feels like that’s exactly what it is — laziness and lack of actual focusing on what I hear due to quality.  Oh, I can listen and follow music just fine…  Speech?  Different story.  Different complication.

One that I hope gets appended with a recent change.

In April I started having issues with my now-arcane Spectra-22.  I shot off an email to my audiologist about issues I was having and asked about replacing the device — I did have insurance on my equipment after all.  But my doctor explained that the Spectra had been discontinued as it was now technologically obsolete.

“No…  Really?”   I muttered with thick sarcasm from where I was sitting.  The hearing-noose that the Spectra is/was (and I’m not ungrateful, I’d gladly wear that piece of equipment instead of being deaf) was clearly dated with the technological innovations that were showing up elsewhere in society.  Of course, cell phone technlogy or computing technology isn’t quite comparable to a human prosthetic — is it?  From processors onboard your iPhone or Blackberry to different innovations with software that had certainly taken place since the Spectra-22 hardware was introduced, I have been pretty certain that “turning the corner” with understanding speech was only a speech processor upgrade away.

A couple of weeks ago now, I ventured to Los Angeles on my yearly sojourn to see my audiologist at the House Ear Institute.  This time around, instead of using arcane sofware tied to the arcane speech-processor I was wearing as I entered the building, we were going to be replacing that hardware with the new Freedom speech processor from Cochlear.

Cochlear's Freedom Processor BTE unit

One can see from the processor picture alone that there is a lot less hardware involved in the unit.  Instead of having to wear a body-pack to handle all the technological mumbo-jumbo, it’s all contained within the first 1/3rd of the prosthetic.  The rest?  Audio control and batteries.

It’s taken me a few days to adjust to sound as it’s relayed with the device – and when I mean sound I mean general hearing.  You have different aspects that you can tune with this device (the microphone volume and the microphone sensitivity) that both play into what you are able to hear.  On the Spectra, you only had the option of turning up or down the sensitivity of the microphone on the unit.  That led to a lot of noise clutter even as you used a second setting to reduce background noise.  It was part of why speech was only blah-blah-blah.  Though I must admit that i am yet to master the improvements that I can have with a strong sensitivity without a loud volume and what not.

Practice will make perfect, however.

Yet I had an event, just listening to sound like I normally would, that encouraged me.  Actually two.  One was listening to TV in my hotel room and having to turn off closed-captions due to them distracting me as I tried to listen to a talk show on TV.   Imagine that?  Going through years upon years of needing the crutch that is closed captions and then having to turn them off because they were distracting you.  Mind you, I was not picking up the full conversation that was going on but I was understanding key words being used instead of hearing the throw-away words like and, then, if, to, but that give no perception of what is going on in the conversation.  Instead, I was making out key words that gave me a gist of what was being said.  Add the tone of a speakers voice and their body language and you aren’t on the outside, looking in so much.  You’re at the doorway and you’re eavesdropping.  That’s what it felt like.

The other little ephinay I experienced was simply listenign to my iPod.  Yes, it’s odd that someone who is clinically deaf has an iPod to begin with…  let alone enjoys music at all but here I am.  Listening to music tended to be quite like listening to AM radio with outstanding reception, or FM radio for that matter.  Could have been better but it was great all unto itself.

And yet I listened to the typical stuff on my MP3 player — The Doors, REM, Counting Crows, Aerosmith, the Beatles, what not…  the quality was closer to CD quality than I’d ever had before.  CD Quality!  CD Quality!

That’s encouraging!  More than encouraging.  Sure, everything isn’t going to be perfect any time soon, but I look forward to trying to get there.

Technology can indeed be grand.

Of course, I can revel in the fact that I can enjoy music again. I have been able to for some time as I think it’s been a tool for me to adapt back to the hearing world in one way or another. Sort of like a personal configuration utility for my brain — I remember how certain songs sound or certain tones I should be listening for — a cymbil crash perhaps, maybe the backign orchestra section jumping in during the refrain to “Hey Jude” — and press myself to hear these things. I use it as a gauge to see how well I am doing.

That took on a new dynamic last month as I had two cords, termed as Personal Audio Cables – sent to me by Cochlear Corp. These two wires — for personal media players or hi fi stereos/TV’s/computers — let me connect my body-worn speech processor directly to the aforementioned objects so I hear the tones or the music directly instead of trying to sort things out through a set of speakers.

But lets dispense with the technical crap. I got these things in January and I unpackaged one of the cables. I connected it to my PC speakers and then turned on iTunes… pulled up a song and started to play…

You seen the Matrix?

That scene where Neo gets combat training information uploaded to his head by Tank? It was kind of like that.

“Hey, I think Mikey likes it. Want some more?”
“Hell Yes!”

Now, nothing beats hearing and feeling music coming through the air and through the speakers. Nothing beats listening to smething in surround sound (for example) where you feel the sound waves and it adds to the effect of whatever you are listening to.

That aspect is lacking. But the aspect of having music beamed directly to my head? I’ll take it any day of the week. It’s been so awesome that I bought an iPod Nano and am experimenting with music I’ve never listened to before – which I wouldn’t try much when I was relying on the speakers alone.

Need to be prepared for tomorrow… Need my doctor fully prepared too… Give him everything he needs, no questions…

So I show up at a MRI clinic in south Tampa today which I had never been to. I showed up sometime before 10 AM with the intention of just going in and getting my shit done and going out. I figured there might be some delays because I was a last minute entry into the schedule – but I can deal with that, right? No biggie…

The biggie was everything after that. Waiting around, I get put off, put around, sidetracked, sideways. i have to strip down for the MRI and then have to sit around, freezing my ass off in 70 degrees, waiting to find out that the MRI unit is too powerful for me and it would be easier to get a copy of my OLD MRI Films from my normal clinic.

Just ook them 2 hours of bitching, paging, running around and other shit in order to figure this out. I’m pissed off at the clinic, I’m pissed off at the Cochlear corp (who happen to make my dandy ABI hearing device), I’m just pissed off in general – this is no way you want to be lead into surgery… “Eh, we won’t have things set for you, son. Sucks to be you. Hope your doctor is a miracle worker because he won’t have fresh shizit to help him through surgery.”

:rolleyes

SO i have hours left of this life, if this is a life. I was talking to a friend last night and came to the realization I have been at this crossroads before – that was when I lost my hearing though. It was a lot different and a lot the same — going back to square one, entirely. Having to learn how to deal with life all over again from a new perspective…

….That is, if things don’t work out. And honestly – I don’t know how they will work out. Right now I think I need a miracle….

You see, Rush did something that was stupid – really stupid. If he had watched what he said and had found another way around the issue, he could have gotten away with it and gotten props from many around the country. Instead? He played the race card and he can now eat shit and die for all the country cares – because he committed the crime of trying to suggest a great quarterback was over-rated because the media wanted to paint a black QB as great.

Two sides to it this:
In defense of Rush — Donovan McNabb being over-rated is something that me and my friends have mused about over the years. He’s also a killer QB when he is on and I have nothing but respect for him. We talk about how the media kisses up to certain quarterbacks — Michael Vick is the current wonder boy, Chad Pennington also last year — and that Donovan has gotten put on a pedestal – which imay or may not be above his abilities. Would I willingly trade Brad Johnson for Donovan McNabb? I’d be at war with myself trying to make that decision but McNabb end’s up winning that battle… Yet I still believe the guy gets over-rated at times. If Rush Limbaugh had focused on the idea that certain quarterbacks get propped up and named names – he could have avoided everything.

In revile of Rush — What the fuck were you thinking bringing in the race card?! Don’t spew your “liberal media” bullshit, because that ain’t it. That’s the remarks of a racist — not of a commentator which you tried to be with ESPN. Listen, you have an interesting mind but you have a shitty way of drawing conclusions and therefore you got just what you deserved — getting chased out of this job because you can’t keep your political leanings and staunchly, overly in fact, conservative views from upsetting the viewing public.

In closing: Keep the race card out of the NFL and pro sports in general. If a guy can play – let him do it. If a guy has no talent, keep the bum off the field… and if Rush Limbaugh applies for a job with you — only hire him if it’s a non speaking role.

The first thing is the balance of the soul — Equilibrium.

Actually, I’m not writing about balance directly or about Libra or about the soul and all that deep shit that I could get into right now. Instead I’m writing about the movie Equilibrium with Christian Bale. Now I’ve talked about wanting to see The Matrix Re-Woah-ded and seeing I haven’t, this makes one very acceptable substitute in my mind. No bullet time and the action sequences weren’t as sped up as The Matrix, but the idea of Gun Kata (a martial art that makes the gun as lethal as a sword) and this 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The Matrix inspired film was excellent in it’s own right.

The premise of this film that got my attention the most, however, was the emotion=crime / war / man’s destruction premise. I couldn’t feel Sunday morning besides sorrow or numbness. I started watching the movie and I could identify with Bale encountering emotion for what was probably the first (or a fresh) time. It was like me receiving sound again by way of the ABI in
2001… He is overcome by trivial things such as a sunrise and other emotions and it’ s… just powerful. Of course they could have overkilled that (or maybe it would have been proper?) by showing more imagery like that — having the character just staring at something we take for granted every day and finding emotion (pleasure) in it? That would have been strong too.

As things go, I’ve got 2 papers I may very well use for my 2nd Assignment with der Long Ridge. I’m waiting to hear from my instructor, Lou Fisher, about a question that I had concerning the paper and hopefully that will be soon. I’m also waiting for Sarah Evanchalk to get back to me with regards to the stories — I sent them both to her for her to critique.

Speaking of stories, I’m also waiting for someone to get back to me on a story I touched on a few days ago on here. I think it’s a good story but it could be cleaned up a bit.. And I long to be able to piece together some of the things I touched on with this story by starting another portion of the thing.. I know, I know – vague, but it’ll become apparent soon enough I hope.

I’m also thinking things I shouldn’t be – or I had been thinking things I shouldn’t be. Now I have regrets and I started believing things that aren’t true any more. Talk about a fucking roller coaster with emotions.. And also another vagueness that I apologize to the masses for reading. The person who that would mean something won’t even see this, so it’s not like I’m doing anything by publishing it.

Oh well, more ttomorrow – got stuff on my mind and got time to write.