This would be funny if some of it weren’t so true:

I haven’t written much about my health the last few years on der Stonegauge… Mostly because Stonegauge is syndicated on the ever-so-excellent Tampa Blab where some of my blog colleagues (who know me better from my endeavor at Boltsmag or my participation at Sticks of Fire) can get wind of this stuff and start fussing and worrying about me. So can my critics as well with anything personal I write about on here. I’ve had private stuff published on this domain before and had it come back to hurt me. But that’s what happens when you blog, ain’t it?

I’m getting away from the fact that I said I haven’t talked about my health much at all on here lately. For the uninitiated, I suffer from a rare genetic disease commonly referred to as NF2. It’s a nasty little gem of a disease that doesn’t get much attention (besides an odd mention on House M.D. every-so-often). It causes benign tumors to grow mostly on nerves in the body. One of said tumors were the reason I began to lose my hearing as a teen and was rendered deaf 10 years ago last December.

It also gives me the supernatural abilities like super-intelligence, telekenisis and empathy along with…

Wait a minute, that was a John Travolta movie. Never mind.

Seriously… The last time I really brought up (bitched, moaned, vented, etc) my health was the summer and fall of 2003 when I hit a couple of hard patches and was frustrated, scared and just flat out torn up (to put it lightly). Blogging things publicly helped me get my frustrations and worries out in the open… or at least out of my head for the moment until the next panic hit.

It’s 4 years later and I’ve got problems again. Problems in my head this time that get the doctors attention. Now, from the smart-ass perspective, you’d quickly quip “Yeah, anyone who (inserts a thought, political idea, interest, etc) would be classified as having problems in the head!” but it’s a little more serious than that. About 5 centimeters worth of serious. Between-my-ears, behind-my-eyes serious.

I’ve been operated on twice up there before. Both times I had the operations in question out west with one of the top doctors in the world. This time around, I’m sticking in Tampa Bay and trusting a doctor who’s been heralded to me as one of the best in the world. He’s got books and awards and all that jazz. He’ll have some of my old friends along with him to make sure my ABI doesn’t get fudged up and what not.

Still, there are risks and even if they aren’t substantial — what they are is a worst case scenarios. So I worry about that, even though it’s almost like thinking about worst-case stuff when you go out and do day to day things.
“The worst case scenario while driving to the Supermarket to pick up milk is that an out of control mack truck with a drunk at the wheel, plows into my car and explodes…. Oh, and I don’t die instantly on impact!”

Rosy, cheery stuff like that.

So part of my mind (ha — the cause of all my problems) keeps wanting me to be responsible and at least report this upcoming operation, make arrangements for the “just in case”, “worst case scenario” type things. Every other part of me wants the status quo to remain — though that status quo is a deteriorating personal conditions where the changes in my health are more or less subtle until I get to a tipping point and things really get messed up and my life hangs in the balance.

Rosy, cheery stuff like that.

I don’t want to face the idea of things — out of my control — go bad and yet with responsibilities to friends and loved ones, how can I not?

Not one of my better poems, was written in a bit of a rush the other night when I had this thought on my mind… Inspired in part by The Lake House

Letter

I want to write you this letter
And
I want to spend time in thought and
Trying to figure out what I’d say to you
It’s great when you get a letter in the mail

And I’m thinking about writing a letter
And
It’s been a few weeks since we talked and
Right now you’re on my mind
Whether you like that idea or not

So it’s been a few weeks since we talked
And
The last time we did, we fought and
I let you walk all over me,
While you had good reason to be pissed

Yet I was all apologies
And
All in all is all we are
You never offered me the same
For you getting all angry and acting lame
I’d better not write you this letter after all

Why I better not write this letter
Is
Because you just don’t respect me and
You got me tied around your little finger
And just twist and twist me tighter than a knot

Knots can be so cruel
And
They can be like feeling locked inside
Yeah, feelings can be knots too
Cinching tighter and restraining things

So I’m writing you this letter
And
I’m just a piece of twine twisted around
Your pinkie is red from this yarn
That we’ve both been spinning for ages

And it’s great getting letters in the mail
And
Last one I sent you was years ago
And I tap-tapity-tapped it up on my keyboard
My handwriting is a horror unto itself

The horror of my day
Is
Realizing I still have feelings for you
And you’ve pretty clearly moved stage left
The lights are bright on Broadway
“The Producers” is better watched with an audience

And I don’t know if you care
About
Getting a letter in the mail from me
Letters in the mail are great but even better
When you don’t expect them
I’m the king of “don’t-expect’em”

And my wrist is getting
Cramped
Writing out this yarned ramble
Ramble – what we know so well
What we loved, what we lived, what we did for hours

And I watched this movie
Tonight
And it got me thinking that i ought to
Write you a letter
You could care less about the addressee
Your residence wasn’t hard to find

So I’m closing this letter off
And
Hoping to put things to rest even though it’s
Special to get a letter in the mail
And I want to share special with you again

All in all is all we are
And
Kurt Cobain is formally dead and
You can’t respect someone who kisses your ass
It just doesn’t work

So I watched this movie tonight
And
I wanted to write you a letter
I wanted to write you this letter
It’s great getting something in the mail
————

© John Fontana

Untitled

All I can do is watch you from
Afar
Your blonde hair
Shifting with the breeze -
Willow branches taunted by the
Throes of air as it bows and
Sways where and when
The hidden forces will it

All I do is admire you from
Afar
Smile darting and mischievous
Gleeful
Youth and happiness
Escaping into a
Cynical world
Anarchy and confusions
Life as we both know it

All I can do is endeavor into your
World
Mysteries of your being –
Auroras in the heavens
Blazing and dancing
Wonderment, allure,
Compelling me to try,
Try,
Try again

All I can do know you through my
Reverie
Out of reach, out of knowing
Out of a solution to the confusions
That find me enamored by you
Knowing nothing is a bliss
Having nothing — torture
Yet having this dream spoiled
Having the answers
May just extinguish the
Artistic maelstrom
Your palette paints into my
Soul

My biological clock is tickin’ like this! (stomping feet) At this rate, I ain’t neva’ gettin’ married!” — Marisa Tomei (as Mona Lisa Vito) in My Cousin Vinny

A couple of months back, my friend Terra had asked me if guys start having the biological clock thing and start feeling antsy about things. This was inspired by her friend Marc who seemed to be getting that way in wanting to settle down (I forget the exact details of the conversation). I do remember telling her that generally I (as a guy) felt like it was time to grow up and some people also must get it.

I never expected a feeling of dread that I am missing out on more (love, family) until today.

I’m rather chronic with wanting to get involved and I know I bitch and whine elsewhere about my prospects.. Yet I’ve never felt like I would want, need or have a child. That’s probably still the overall realistic truth (I’m single, I am not dating, I am not sleeping around, nor am I the type to just sleep around)…

Yet last night, out of nowhere while my head was weaving it’s magic through the dreamscape — i had a child. I mean, I was the father of a little girl that appeared in the wandering farscapes and such of my subconscious. A little blond haired girl with glasses who thought I was going to be upset with her that she bought herself a toy instead of something else she needed. I re-assured her I wasn’t and put on a happy face. I also ended up — while trying to fix her glasses — breaking her spectacles by accident.

But what has nagged at me is my knowing the girl thought I was her father and I was her father.

I really need to get my mind off this subject and the entire subject of romance right now. Nothing good is going to come from a forced encounter with a stranger that I meet in this state-of-mind…

Saturday Night Live was a must see for me last night cuz Hugh Laurie was on. While I love House M.D, it’s his comedy that made this a must-see broadcast. An appearance by Borat on the show was an added perk (along with Beck as the musical guest).

Of course, Borat did what he could before SNL went off the air to add some controversy.

I don’t have a picture, but at the veeeeeeeeeery end of the SNL broadcast last night — while everyone was congregated on stage and the end credits were rolling, Baron Sacha Cohen (AKA Borat) got down on his knees in front of Hugh Laurie and imitated giving head. I was sure the prudes and the FCC would be all over NBC for this (needlessly) but am happy to report nothing is listed on Google News pertaining to this little item…

…but if it pops up somewhere this week in the news, you heard it hear first.

I talked about For Better or For Worse’s swan song last year year and there seems to be more wrapping-ups going on if that’s the case:

• Grampa Jim had a stroke this week in the strips. You could see something dreadful was coming when Elly was on her way to visit him.
• Becky seems to have made a sort of peace with April, and though April still resents the snide sentiment, I still think it may lead her to soemthing with hitting it big with music. April also showed her love of animals this summer — Vet School anyone?
• Elly sold Liliputs like she was foreshadowing last year. Her and John have both made “final arrangements” over the past few months as well as looking at smaller houses
• Michael is writing a book in his “spare” time.
• …and while Elizabeth is in love with a cop from the North, it looks like she is going to end up with her High School sweetheart, Anthony, in the end

Elizabeth is really the only character that doesn’t seem to be set up for something big. Maybe nothing will come for Michael, April, Elly and John (though I am pretty sure about Grampa Jim taking a dirt nap soon) but of all the Pattersons — Elizabeth is going no where. Living at home again, love life in flux…

Man, how can I be wrapped up with a comic strip like this…?

Seen my feelings lost inside forever
Couldn’t we be good together?
Girl, you are my everything,
You’re all my wants and craves

Lost inside the secret you
What am I supposed to do
Girl, you are my majesty
I’ll worship you forever

Only known I’ve lost my mind
Oh, why worry? Never mind
Everything that I do crave
Is lost inside your being

Now to find you,
Majesty,
I need to be your everything,
Fit the bill and fly the path,
Our equation, do the math,
Add us two and then subtract -
The worries and the hardships

Seen my feelings inside you, girl
Oh my, honey, what a world
What am I supposed to do?
I’ve stayed lost inside the secret you

And inside, I’ve lost my mind
Oh, why worry? Never mind
Everything I’ll always crave
Is lost inside the secret you

©1998 John P. Fontana
(more…)

(NOTE — my post below has nothing to do with the Pinellas Democratic Party, it’s members or it’s direction. Apologies beforehand for any confusion or any suggestions this was targeting the local party.)

I’m getting pissed off.

I’m a user on a non-official Pinellas Democrta mailing list/user group and I’m just shocked and dismayed. Somewhat because of what is said on this, but mostly because these are (supposedly) Democrats saying it. I’m not sure if I should accept this as the normal discontent of Democratic voters or if I should feel this is wingnuttery going on?

I mean I am a blogger, I read Daily Kos, Florida Politics and Kate’s blog titled Out in Left Field but to give you an idea on some of these local “supporters” are standing… It’s like they are beyond left field. Maybe out in the bleachers? Maybe standing in the upper deck… Perhaps in the parking lot, but much more likelystanding on the freeway that passes the stadium.

OK, you get my analogy.

Being part of this group, I’ve trying to draw interest in local political campaigns and hob-nob with like-minds on the left. Yet I find so much hate for the party itself on there. Hate, naysaying, doomsday scenarios, conspiracy theories and general disconnect and discourse for the Democratic party. There is also a disconnect of the present and connection to the days of the past where the Democrats stood in the mid 1960′s.

For instance, there are people on this group complaining about both Democratic candidates running for Florida governor and attacking the party in general. These aren’t righties disguised as Democrats, these are Democrats who have ideals leading them beyond left field. No, not the ideals and principles that divided the Democratic party that you know and love (Gay Rights, or Women’s rights, the environoment or some other faction of the party) I mean their beliefs that everything is corrupted by money, by election fraud, by weak candidates and by the fact the Democratic party is so close to death.

Yes folks, supposed Democrats saying this. A far cry from the Crashing-the-gate, Democracy for America crowd, eh?

Example: Someone on the group has called Howard Dean a “Corporate Whore” for raising money for the Democratic party. The complaint was that Howard Dean “doesn’t show the same fire” he did during his presidential campaign and now he is supposedly a “pawn for the DLC.” The Chairman of the Democratic National Committee has helped raise more money for the national party (largely through small donations) and yet he must be a corporate whore for generating money at all or having to appeal to a broader group as the head of the DNC.

Right… Ok… 8-|

Example 2: public encouragement of Pinellas Democrats to vote third party or for instead of voting for Jim Davis or Rod Smith in the the Florida Gubenatorial Election. “It sends a message!” seems to be the logic behind that but after the 2000 election debacle, you’d think they’d know better. Especially Florida based Democrats.

Example 3: A woman who runs a clique of self-congratulatory members on this list tries to explain the civil rights movement from the 1950′s and 1960′s was “more intense than the ‘Grand Theft Auto’” video games. Not trying to play down the civil rights movement or the events of them — but having them compared to a video game in the first place (a stereotypically intense urban warfare game) is a mockery of analogy to describe it and belittles both those she addressed with this “logic” and those who were central parts of the civil rights movement.

And these are the regular voices that are supposed to represent the local Democratic party in Pinellas County? It’s a joke and a shame.

There are many members on this group who will not post but are Democrats and proud. They’re dismay or amazed with the wing-nuttery disconnect of the vocal minority of the group. Instead of what was supposed to be a tool for organization and a tool for sharing concerns and thoughts, articles and information with like minded people. the unofficial Pinellas Democrats mailing list happens to be a shelter for those who cannot connect to the realities of everyday life, and a general disdaine for the party they supposedly are members of.

You ever get to the point where you’re social desire is that to take the face of the next person who annoys you and rip it off?

How about having the stark contradiction inside you that you feel like no one does / could care about you while you’ve lost your temper just moments ago in front of people who DO care about you? I guess it’s a family / lover type thing. Oh sure, you have family and friends who care about you but you are missing that one special person. That one person that you will do anything for. The one person who realizes you will do anything for them because of how much you mean to them.