I’m getting away from the fact that I said I haven’t talked about my health much at all on here lately. For the uninitiated, I suffer from a rare genetic disease commonly referred to as NF2. It’s a nasty little gem of a disease that doesn’t get much attention (besides an odd mention on House M.D. every-so-often). It causes benign tumors to grow mostly on nerves in the body. One of said tumors were the reason I began to lose my hearing as a teen and was rendered deaf 10 years ago last December.

It also gives me the supernatural abilities like super-intelligence, telekenisis and empathy along with…

Wait a minute, that was a John Travolta movie. Never mind.

Seriously… The last time I really brought up (bitched, moaned, vented, etc) my health was the summer and fall of 2003 when I hit a couple of hard patches and was frustrated, scared and just flat out torn up (to put it lightly). Blogging things publicly helped me get my frustrations and worries out in the open… or at least out of my head for the moment until the next panic hit.

It’s 4 years later and I’ve got problems again. Problems in my head this time that get the doctors attention. Now, from the smart-ass perspective, you’d quickly quip “Yeah, anyone who (inserts a thought, political idea, interest, etc) would be classified as having problems in the head!” but it’s a little more serious than that. About 5 centimeters worth of serious. Between-my-ears, behind-my-eyes serious.

I’ve been operated on twice up there before. Both times I had the operations in question out west with one of the top doctors in the world. This time around, I’m sticking in Tampa Bay and trusting a doctor who’s been heralded to me as one of the best in the world. He’s got books and awards and all that jazz. He’ll have some of my old friends along with him to make sure my ABI doesn’t get fudged up and what not.

Still, there are risks and even if they aren’t substantial — what they are is a worst case scenarios. So I worry about that, even though it’s almost like thinking about worst-case stuff when you go out and do day to day things.
“The worst case scenario while driving to the Supermarket to pick up milk is that an out of control mack truck with a drunk at the wheel, plows into my car and explodes…. Oh, and I don’t die instantly on impact!”

Rosy, cheery stuff like that.

So part of my mind (ha — the cause of all my problems) keeps wanting me to be responsible and at least report this upcoming operation, make arrangements for the “just in case”, “worst case scenario” type things. Every other part of me wants the status quo to remain — though that status quo is a deteriorating personal conditions where the changes in my health are more or less subtle until I get to a tipping point and things really get messed up and my life hangs in the balance.

Rosy, cheery stuff like that.

I don’t want to face the idea of things — out of my control — go bad and yet with responsibilities to friends and loved ones, how can I not?

Letter

I want to write you this letter
And
I want to spend time in thought and
Trying to figure out what I’d say to you
It’s great when you get a letter in the mail

And I’m thinking about writing a letter
And
It’s been a few weeks since we talked and
Right now you’re on my mind
Whether you like that idea or not

So it’s been a few weeks since we talked
And
The last time we did, we fought and
I let you walk all over me,
While you had good reason to be pissed

Yet I was all apologies
And
All in all is all we are
You never offered me the same
For you getting all angry and acting lame
I’d better not write you this letter after all

Why I better not write this letter
Is
Because you just don’t respect me and
You got me tied around your little finger
And just twist and twist me tighter than a knot

Knots can be so cruel
And
They can be like feeling locked inside
Yeah, feelings can be knots too
Cinching tighter and restraining things

So I’m writing you this letter
And
I’m just a piece of twine twisted around
Your pinkie is red from this yarn
That we’ve both been spinning for ages

And it’s great getting letters in the mail
And
Last one I sent you was years ago
And I tap-tapity-tapped it up on my keyboard
My handwriting is a horror unto itself

The horror of my day
Is
Realizing I still have feelings for you
And you’ve pretty clearly moved stage left
The lights are bright on Broadway
“The Producers” is better watched with an audience

And I don’t know if you care
About
Getting a letter in the mail from me
Letters in the mail are great but even better
When you don’t expect them
I’m the king of “don’t-expect’em”

And my wrist is getting
Cramped
Writing out this yarned ramble
Ramble – what we know so well
What we loved, what we lived, what we did for hours

And I watched this movie
Tonight
And it got me thinking that i ought to
Write you a letter
You could care less about the addressee
Your residence wasn’t hard to find

So I’m closing this letter off
And
Hoping to put things to rest even though it’s
Special to get a letter in the mail
And I want to share special with you again

All in all is all we are
And
Kurt Cobain is formally dead and
You can’t respect someone who kisses your ass
It just doesn’t work

So I watched this movie tonight
And
I wanted to write you a letter
I wanted to write you this letter
It’s great getting something in the mail
————

© John Fontana

All I can do is watch you from
Afar
Your blonde hair
Shifting with the breeze -
Willow branches taunted by the
Throes of air as it bows and
Sways where and when
The hidden forces will it

All I do is admire you from
Afar
Smile darting and mischievous
Gleeful
Youth and happiness
Escaping into a
Cynical world
Anarchy and confusions
Life as we both know it

All I can do is endeavor into your
World
Mysteries of your being –
Auroras in the heavens
Blazing and dancing
Wonderment, allure,
Compelling me to try,
Try,
Try again

All I can do know you through my
Reverie
Out of reach, out of knowing
Out of a solution to the confusions
That find me enamored by you
Knowing nothing is a bliss
Having nothing — torture
Yet having this dream spoiled
Having the answers
May just extinguish the
Artistic maelstrom
Your palette paints into my
Soul

A couple of months back, my friend Terra had asked me if guys start having the biological clock thing and start feeling antsy about things. This was inspired by her friend Marc who seemed to be getting that way in wanting to settle down (I forget the exact details of the conversation). I do remember telling her that generally I (as a guy) felt like it was time to grow up and some people also must get it.

I never expected a feeling of dread that I am missing out on more (love, family) until today.

I’m rather chronic with wanting to get involved and I know I bitch and whine elsewhere about my prospects.. Yet I’ve never felt like I would want, need or have a child. That’s probably still the overall realistic truth (I’m single, I am not dating, I am not sleeping around, nor am I the type to just sleep around)…

Yet last night, out of nowhere while my head was weaving it’s magic through the dreamscape — i had a child. I mean, I was the father of a little girl that appeared in the wandering farscapes and such of my subconscious. A little blond haired girl with glasses who thought I was going to be upset with her that she bought herself a toy instead of something else she needed. I re-assured her I wasn’t and put on a happy face. I also ended up — while trying to fix her glasses — breaking her spectacles by accident.

But what has nagged at me is my knowing the girl thought I was her father and I was her father.

I really need to get my mind off this subject and the entire subject of romance right now. Nothing good is going to come from a forced encounter with a stranger that I meet in this state-of-mind…

Of course, Borat did what he could before SNL went off the air to add some controversy.

I don’t have a picture, but at the veeeeeeeeeery end of the SNL broadcast last night — while everyone was congregated on stage and the end credits were rolling, Baron Sacha Cohen (AKA Borat) got down on his knees in front of Hugh Laurie and imitated giving head. I was sure the prudes and the FCC would be all over NBC for this (needlessly) but am happy to report nothing is listed on Google News pertaining to this little item…

…but if it pops up somewhere this week in the news, you heard it hear first.

• Grampa Jim had a stroke this week in the strips. You could see something dreadful was coming when Elly was on her way to visit him.
• Becky seems to have made a sort of peace with April, and though April still resents the snide sentiment, I still think it may lead her to soemthing with hitting it big with music. April also showed her love of animals this summer — Vet School anyone?
• Elly sold Liliputs like she was foreshadowing last year. Her and John have both made “final arrangements” over the past few months as well as looking at smaller houses
• Michael is writing a book in his “spare” time.
• …and while Elizabeth is in love with a cop from the North, it looks like she is going to end up with her High School sweetheart, Anthony, in the end

Elizabeth is really the only character that doesn’t seem to be set up for something big. Maybe nothing will come for Michael, April, Elly and John (though I am pretty sure about Grampa Jim taking a dirt nap soon) but of all the Pattersons — Elizabeth is going no where. Living at home again, love life in flux…

Man, how can I be wrapped up with a comic strip like this…?

Lost inside the secret you
What am I supposed to do
Girl, you are my majesty
I’ll worship you forever

Only known I’ve lost my mind
Oh, why worry? Never mind
Everything that I do crave
Is lost inside your being

Now to find you,
Majesty,
I need to be your everything,
Fit the bill and fly the path,
Our equation, do the math,
Add us two and then subtract -
The worries and the hardships

Seen my feelings inside you, girl
Oh my, honey, what a world
What am I supposed to do?
I’ve stayed lost inside the secret you

And inside, I’ve lost my mind
Oh, why worry? Never mind
Everything I’ll always crave
Is lost inside the secret you

©1998 John P. Fontana

That’s a pretty old poem of mine that I love and can recite from heart most times. I don’t know if the poem reeks of insecurity as the writer seems to be willing to put the object of his affections on a pedestal… But I think what I meant at the time is devotion. Being devoted to someone but that someone doesn’t know how devoted to them you are.

I’m getting pissed off.

I’m a user on a non-official Pinellas Democrta mailing list/user group and I’m just shocked and dismayed. Somewhat because of what is said on this, but mostly because these are (supposedly) Democrats saying it. I’m not sure if I should accept this as the normal discontent of Democratic voters or if I should feel this is wingnuttery going on?

I mean I am a blogger, I read Daily Kos, Florida Politics and Kate’s blog titled Out in Left Field but to give you an idea on some of these local “supporters” are standing… It’s like they are beyond left field. Maybe out in the bleachers? Maybe standing in the upper deck… Perhaps in the parking lot, but much more likelystanding on the freeway that passes the stadium.

OK, you get my analogy.

Being part of this group, I’ve trying to draw interest in local political campaigns and hob-nob with like-minds on the left. Yet I find so much hate for the party itself on there. Hate, naysaying, doomsday scenarios, conspiracy theories and general disconnect and discourse for the Democratic party. There is also a disconnect of the present and connection to the days of the past where the Democrats stood in the mid 1960′s.

For instance, there are people on this group complaining about both Democratic candidates running for Florida governor and attacking the party in general. These aren’t righties disguised as Democrats, these are Democrats who have ideals leading them beyond left field. No, not the ideals and principles that divided the Democratic party that you know and love (Gay Rights, or Women’s rights, the environoment or some other faction of the party) I mean their beliefs that everything is corrupted by money, by election fraud, by weak candidates and by the fact the Democratic party is so close to death.

Yes folks, supposed Democrats saying this. A far cry from the Crashing-the-gate, Democracy for America crowd, eh?

Example: Someone on the group has called Howard Dean a “Corporate Whore” for raising money for the Democratic party. The complaint was that Howard Dean “doesn’t show the same fire” he did during his presidential campaign and now he is supposedly a “pawn for the DLC.” The Chairman of the Democratic National Committee has helped raise more money for the national party (largely through small donations) and yet he must be a corporate whore for generating money at all or having to appeal to a broader group as the head of the DNC.

Right… Ok… 8-|

Example 2: public encouragement of Pinellas Democrats to vote third party or for instead of voting for Jim Davis or Rod Smith in the the Florida Gubenatorial Election. “It sends a message!” seems to be the logic behind that but after the 2000 election debacle, you’d think they’d know better. Especially Florida based Democrats.

Example 3: A woman who runs a clique of self-congratulatory members on this list tries to explain the civil rights movement from the 1950′s and 1960′s was “more intense than the ‘Grand Theft Auto’” video games. Not trying to play down the civil rights movement or the events of them — but having them compared to a video game in the first place (a stereotypically intense urban warfare game) is a mockery of analogy to describe it and belittles both those she addressed with this “logic” and those who were central parts of the civil rights movement.

And these are the regular voices that are supposed to represent the local Democratic party in Pinellas County? It’s a joke and a shame.

There are many members on this group who will not post but are Democrats and proud. They’re dismay or amazed with the wing-nuttery disconnect of the vocal minority of the group. Instead of what was supposed to be a tool for organization and a tool for sharing concerns and thoughts, articles and information with like minded people. the unofficial Pinellas Democrats mailing list happens to be a shelter for those who cannot connect to the realities of everyday life, and a general disdaine for the party they supposedly are members of.

How about having the stark contradiction inside you that you feel like no one does / could care about you while you’ve lost your temper just moments ago in front of people who DO care about you? I guess it’s a family / lover type thing. Oh sure, you have family and friends who care about you but you are missing that one special person. That one person that you will do anything for. The one person who realizes you will do anything for them because of how much you mean to them.

We’ve known each other for quite a few years,
Shared our laughter, anger and tears
We’re lovers of past
Friends of today
Yet something’s been missing in things we say

I lost you once when you needed space
I lost you twice when you moved away
I’ve lost you to another man
Now I’m losing you to a foreign land

But away, you’ve gotta go
The life you chose is the life you know
And your life’s heading in another direction
We’d only crossed at an intersection
Each time you’ve gone, you’ve come back to me
And I hope that’s how it’ll always be

I know you’re happy with the plan:
You’re path in life, your future, your man
But something in me’s been gone a long, long time
The joy you bring and the way you can–
Fill me up with hope and glee
Honey, you’ve always completed me
But the time grows short and the rhyme grows long
I look again and now you’re gone

You’re on your way, with part of me
It seems that you have some secret key
You unlock my smiles and my zany side
Ignite my passions and calm my mind
But you’re not mine — yet you’ll always be
I’ve lost you again, you’re flying free
I’ve lost you again, as you glide ‘cross the sea

© 2005 John Fontana

Entrance me
Captivate me so I
Can think of nothing other than
Your very existence while
The world spins its uncontrollable revolutions
Leaving each man to cope with its maelstrom

Intoxicate me
Make me wish for nothing more than your
Warm and unblemished flesh
Held close against me
Where desire takes us into the
Unfamiliar territories
Of bliss and contentment

Save me
Find my cynical and sarcastic person
And convince him there is still good in the world
Simply by being yourself
Simply by pointing out in your everything
That not all is corrupt and lost to lust
Lost to insanity
Lost to the malice mankind unleashes on itself

Teach me to love again
Be my purpose in life
The purpose being having and holding you
Wanting and loving you
Supporting and caring for you
Until the sun sets on this world

© 2005 John Fontana

If it’s all the same to you
I feel left for dead
Solitary Avenues
ANd a cold, lonely bed

If it’s all the same to you
I think I’ll hate the world
Where you’ve gone, loved, lived, moved on
And I can’t find another girl

If it’s all the same to you
I’ll cry myself to sleep
Self-esteem is running low
And shallowness reigns supreme.

© 2005 John Fontana

Well, conforming only a little bit.

When you think of politics and British rock, you think of the Beatles and there mantra of Peace and Love and all that jazz (and John and Yoko telling us the War Is Over — if you want it), or Radiohead for that matter… You don’t think of the Stones, do you?

Enter Sweet Neo Con

I haven’t heard the song yet or read all the lyrics except for the stuff in the news but I am itching to see what Mick and Keith are up to in this number….I don’t get like that with most protest songs…

There was a dog I was told about by Jenna before I met Kerrie Kuper, this dog was in Orlando – another Whippet – and the his family was considering moving into a place where no dogs would be allowed. They loved Rip, but they would have to give him up… Or not. Jenna kept me informed about Rip’s status and as it turned out – Rip wasn’t going anywhere…. Supposedly.

Yesterday I found out that he was given away to someone in St. Petersburg, some time ago. I got to see his picture and I got to get angry because I missed out on my opportunity to already have a dog instead of waiting… Waiting in ignorance…. Waiting anxiously. Waiting…