It was a couple of years ago that I was wondering just what Michael Stipe was singing about in the R.E.M. classic “Losing my Religion”. For the prudes or the ultra-religious, the title might suggest the song is about a conflict in faith of the Divine. It’s a crisis of faith, indeed, but it’s faith in ones own self and self confidence.
In simplicity, it’s about someone not able to work up the courage to talk to the object of their affection:
Comfortable
Shaded
A warm bliss of nothing
But love
Time
Tenderness and
Nurturing affection
Maturation
Progress
With an
Epiphany
Of joy and
Contentment
Yet before too long
A thorn
A weed
A pain filled push
A shove
Leading to a fight
For restraint
Containment
The bitter pill is often weak
Yet it’s poison does runeth deep
And rhyme to reason, the end of season
Leaves one longing for a day in the past
Shells
Spent rounds
A war ragged on
Familiar grounds
While protests
Rejection
Hang fresh on the air
And forlorn shadows
Echo on the ground
And what is left
Pools of blood
Sorrow
A deep, heavy-hearted parting
A love lost
A love gained
A new day…
Confirmation of
Love
Accomplishment
Meaning
Yet a life left to wander
Without sense of direction
For now
© 2003 John P. Fontana
So where was I?
Oh, yeah… Dwelling on inevitability. Surgery. All that joyous stuff that makes life grand for me. August 7th, 2007 was an extremely surreal experience in that my focus had to be elsewhere instead of impending doom and gloom (thank you Oren Koules, Jim Sherrin and Doug Maclean). Surreal may be a strong word for it. A grand, welcome distraction might be a better phrasing. Having a friend come over to spend some time with me and further distract me only aided to things.
The next day was no better – wanting to deal with that story and yet lying in a hospital gurney most of the day while waiting an angiogram: the pre-operative procedure as bad as I dreaded (but with a great staff of physicians trying to deal with my issues and some medical breakthroughs since my last angiogram that kept me from being bed ridden).
You know, I feel like I’m being shallow in the details but at the same time — there weren’t many meaty details before I was trucked off to the ninth floor at Tampa General Hospital where I stayed overnight before surgery. Besides pain issues with thanks to the angiogram, everything went swimmingly.
And how can I properly term my stay at TGH besides saying I was surrounded by good omens and positive energy? Days previous to surgery, I’d gotten a religious card sent to me with the only Patron Saint I identify with. It’s sorta grim but after I learned about him (and wrote about a poem where I invoked him) I didn’t see it as an ill omen as-so-much familiarity. I can deal with familiarity.
When I got to the ninth floor, who greets me warmly but an old friend from High School who works as an Registered Nurse on the floor? It was good mojo to see her, realize who she was and have come right up to me and say hi.
Another thing that was positive and yet drenched with negativity was a nurse I had overnight who I couldn’t understand due to her accent. She was warm, pleasant and tried her best to overcome things and I foudn myself mad that I had gotten frustrated with her.
I don’t know how often other people do this but I always get curious about other people’s thoughts — thoughts involving me, thoughts involving others and such. While opinions and perceptions can come off hurtful when you hear them – they can also raise you up to new heights.
But the one that always gets me is when I hear someone dreamed of me. ME! I was on someone’s thoughts enough that I ran through their mind… Even if I had nothing to do with the underlying fabric of what went on in the dream and the psychology of what happened (dreams have a great wide amount of meanings)… It’s just special to know that the thought was there.
So here’s my next one — yeah, a little verse on this St. Valentines Day… Inspired by the ones on our minds.
When last was I
A Sight for sore eyes?
The last time you
Longed my hand?
When last was I your
Knight in shining armor,
Your prince,
Your noble man?
When last did I
Paint a picture
That made you melt because
You were my muse?
When last did I
Earn your undivided attention
While we discussed the
Front page news?
When last did my thought
Earn your affection
Because of the joy
That I bring?
When last did we
Fly through the heavens,
Together —
In the night
While you slept,
And you dreamed?
© 2007 John Fontana
Sorry for the lack of updates — besides being tied down with Chantilly Lace work I have been hit hard with computer hardware problems which have basically rendered my computer trash.
I was focusing on this today – the computer problems… And focusing on things going on around me here at home… When it really hit me what today was… I happened to be channel surfing at the time and Imagine: John Lennon showed up on the screen and I felt like I was committing blesphamy….
I hadn’t forgotten. I had just dismissed things… And the documentary really threw me back into realizing the relevance of the day and the significance of what was lost.
Rest in peace, John Ono Lennon. Rest in peace.
There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
Last time I talked about anything that had to do with faith, the chips were down for me and people / things continued to screw the pooch for me…
Well, thank you America, you have done a mighty job filling me with doubt and ridding me of my faith and hope for the future.
My older borther Michael sent me a quote from Terry Goodkind’s Faith of the Fallen which seesm rather fitting at this point.
“The only sovereign I can allow to rule me is reason. The first law of reason is this: what exists exists; what is, is. From this irreducible, bedrock principle, all knowledge is built. This is the foundation from which life is embraced.
“Reason is a choice. Wishes and whims are not facts, nor are they a means to discovering them. Reason is our only way of grasping reality – it’s our basic tool of survival. We are free to evade the effort of thinking, to reject reason, but we are not free to avoid the penalty of the abyss we refuse to see.
“If I fail to use reason in this struggle, if I close my eyes to the reality of what is, in favor of what I would wish, then we will both die in this, and for nothing. We will be but two more among uncounted millions of nameless corpses beneath the gray, gloomy decay of mankind. In the darkness that will follow, our bones will be meaningless dust.
“Eventually, perhaps a thousand years from now, perhaps more, the light of liberty will again be raised up to shine over a free people, but between now and then, millions upon millions of people will be born into hopeless misery and have no choice but to bear the weight of the Order’s yoke. We, by ignoring reason, will have purchased those mountains of broken bodies, the wreckage of lives endured but never lived.”
It’s Birthday Time in teh Fontana Family – between my immediate family and extended family, quite a few birthdays come up around this time of year and I am always at a loss to find a gift or something to give mi familia…
And I WANT to give, I NEED to give… I hate just sitting around like a schmoe and not giving something…. That just feels really lowball.
The key problem areas are my older brother Michael and my father. Mike’s birthday comes up in a couple of weeks (August 29th) and basically he has taken an anti-materialism vow — though he seems like the most materialistic son of a bitch sometimes. He also seems to be very much into Pool lately so I am going to have to see if I can find something that fits along those lines as a gift (and no, a cue is out of the quesiton – he just bought one).
Meanwhile, I have another month before my fathers birthday. If Mike is hard to shop for, my father is impossible. ANy time of year, any holiday — outlandishly impossible. It’d be easier getting him a few days off at a casino than getting him anything material or meaningful…
IAnd I am 2 months away from #25…. I’m due out in LA on my birthday — if I can do something other than my usual trips to LA that are uneventful, it willb e a good day all by itself.
With Boston’s tie against Washington, the Bruins can do no better than tie the Lightning for most points in the conference.
Meaning for the first time in their history, the Tampa Bay Lightning are regular season Eastern Conference champs and secure home ice advantage throughout the playoffs! :woot
Lemme say this again because this is weighty stuff for anyone who has been following this team since their inception, through the ups and downs:
THE TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING ARE REGULAR SEASON EASTERN CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS!
Yes, this means absolutely jack shit in the playoffs, but this is still an incredible feet for a franchise that lost 50 games for 4 straight seasons)
:smile
No not my ring, I know where that is….
No, not that precious either -it was never lost…
No, it’s my Playstation 2. It’s lost. As in missing. As in out of place. As i don’t know WHERE the hell it is right now.
I sent it to Sony on January 30th along with a C note to pay repair costs. I forgot to add some information they requested and that helped lead the way for it getting lost. Next, I can’t track the package thanks to the USPS not automatically giving package tracking to the box…. Strike two.
Thirdly? The check — the C note — hasn’t cleared with my bank yet, meaning they haven’t had the check return, no one has tried cashing it.
Strike three, yer out!
There is still hope, that being time. I don’t know how long it takes Sony to go through items in it’s tech service centers…
But for the time being, I am upset. Woah is me. Lost, my precious is lost!
And I was having so much FUN too with Grand Theft Auto: Vice City… :sad
So on this post bitter-singles day, I have for you a pair of films I have seen in the past 24 hours:
The Sum Of All Fears: Ben Affleck takes over the role of Jack Ryan from Harrison Ford with this prequel/sequel to the Jack Ryan movies. Personally I never cared for Ford in the role of Ryan, and The Hunt for Red October happens to be my favorite Clancy film (even with it’s cheesey special effects and it’s terrible mock ups of submarines). At any rate, this film moves a young version of Jack Ryan — CIA analyst — into the 21st century which sorta makes things weird. The Hunt for Red October was supposed to have happened around 1985… The other films in the series (Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger – two titles, by the way, that George W. Bush has no comprehension of the meanings) I have no clue when they were supposed to have happened but they starred the elder Harrison Ford after Alec Baldwin launched the Jack Ryan series with Hunt
ok, enough of the explaining… what did I think of the film?
Well, not being someone who has read the book, I enjoyed Sum even though the plot was confusing at times. The film is basically a nuclear standoff between the US and Russia as Neo-Nazi terrorists attempt to start war between the two nations. I actually liked Ben Affleck playing Jack Ryan – a mix of every-man instead of super-hero from what Harrison Ford brought to the role. When one watched the original Jack Ryan film, Red October, you saw Jack didn’t want to be there when sent to do something because he was expendable (“Next time, Jack, just write a god damned memo.” ) An all star cast of James Cromwell, Morgan Freeman, Liev Schreiber and Bridget Moynahan — meow! — round out this film. Worth a viewing – even if it drags at points.
Intolerable Cruelty: You know, i didn’t have my hearing device on when I watched this film and I have a strange thing happen every time I watch a George Clooney film — I think of him as speaking in a southern drawl, much like he di din his role in O, Brother, Where art thou? . I guess it’s just his mannerisms — I just can’t believe he would straight talk through this role of Miles Massey when Miles Massey seems totally obsessed with his teeth and white smile.
The film premise is simple — it’s about divorce and Miles Massey is the best divorce lawyer around. Cathrine Zeta-Jones (meow!) is a man eater, looking to get hitched, get divorced and make a ton of money off it. Of course, these two collide and that’s the basis for the entire film. Sure we get lessons on love and such, with a few laughs in between… but I can’t help wondering how gay Miles Massey’s assistant, Wrigley, happens to be?
You have to wonder if someone writing a review, bringing that question up, actually enjoyed the movie? I did, I honestly did… but there was a little comfortableness about the movie. I usually get this with Coen Brother movies but it doesn’t mean there is anything bad with the film. This is worth a viewing and I won’t spoil it with any more talk. :grin
