As I said in October, I had graduated from High School that year, forgotten in a huge senior class at East Lake High. There was one quality I had, though, that stuck out which people may remember me by — my hearing was shit.

After graduating in June of that year – with about 25 percent or less of my original hearing, I basically did nothing. I was reached out to by no one and didn’t attempt it much myself because I was the wall-flower… I couldn’t hold a conversation with thanks to not being able to understand what people were saying (even with the help of a hearing aid). And at age 18? Who’s going to put up with that?

I sank into depression and my health deteriorated. This hearing situation had already led to my decision not to attend Flagler College in St. Augustine (where I had been accepted the previous spring) and now I was isolated and alone in a world I couldn’t take part in. My balance became somewhat less dependable than tuning into MTV and seeing a music video playing. I wobbled and swayed all over the place and depended on leaning where and when I could, onto stable and solid things… Anything to keep me upright.

that’s little ole’ me, circa November 1997

It was sometime in October of that year that I had an MRI performed on my head, and in a matter of days had a doctor tell me flat out that I could go to bed one night and not wake up the next morning. A 7 centimeter tumor effecting blood flow and cramping the brain will do that to you. Acoustic Neuroma is the scientific term to describe this, but the truth is it was the end of one life and the beginning of another…

It’s been ten years – not by choice, not by design, but by inevitability – that I’ve been deaf. Ten years since the natural hearing world escaped me and I was plunged into a more difficult version of society where one attempts to fit in while feeling like an outcast. Sure, I use a variation of the cochlear implant now (and have been for six years) and am doing quite well with it but I still haven’t turned a corner to make conversation easy to understand and take part in with strangers. I miss that the most…

It also doesn’t begin to describe the immediate aftermath aftermath — being trapped between worlds — a deaf person in a hearing world, a hearing person in a deaf world – where those around me refuse to adjust and demand my adjustment to them. Or being thrust into the paranoia filled bigotry of the deaf community where the hearing (or late deaf) were not welcome unless their commitment to the deaf life was total and utter.

Of course the flip side of this is that it got me involved on the Internet, which led to a job, which led to my web design talents, which led to a certain legal threat and a lot of pluses and minuses along the way.

10 years gone, and I’m still standing.

10 years gone, I’m still left wanting.

I’ve stayed the last few years north of the Mid Wilshire center, not quite Hollywood, not Downtown, not Wilshire and not that great a hotel but it worked in it’s simplicity. This time around, I pampered myself and stayed downtown at the Westin Bonaventure. I haven’t stayed at a hotel that nice before and a three star rating from certain online travel companies seems cruel. At any rate, the location is extremely centralized — blocks away from subway access, shopping, Union Station (Flyaway is a blessed thing) and what not. It was a bargain compared to my normal hotel – so I paid a few extra bucks to stay there.

What I didn’t take into account was being out of shape in my post-op condition. I also didn’t take into account my unfamiliarity with the building would lead to blood, pain, and embarrassment.

2400 miles from home without anyone to hang out with – I go stumbling around the Galleria in the first few floors of the hotel and try to find a skybridge to other buildings and there shopping offerings.

Cuz what else are you going to do when you’re bored and have a little cash to spend besides shop?

So I find this exit to a skybridge — whoo hoo! — and start walking down a long corridor with skylights. I ignorantly think I am on the skybridge itself (the Bonaventure has several and ALL are uncovered) when in fact I am walking beneath the pool deck/patio of the building.

So I come to the end of that hall and find a pair of double doors saying thank-you, leaving-the-hotel, blah-blah-blah…. I can see a flight of stairs down and a flight of stairs up a short distance in front of me. I swing those doors open and walk a few steps — never observing the two steps down immediately in front of me.

Anarchy ensues.

I tumble and smash my face into a concrete-ornamental-edging at the side of the wall. I wither and moan in pain. I’m shaking, I’m bleeding, I think I’ve broken my nose.

2400 miles from home, no family in the greater Los Angeles area… The gimp-with-a-limp has worked himself ineptly into a fine mess.

I try my best to collect myself. Standing up — no, more like staggering to my feet. I get my bearing and see those stairs I missed, I also see the blood all over my hands and mutter a whiny “Oh shit” in response to this. I stagger up those steps back to those doors I mentioned… I find them locked from the outside. Imagine that.

Looking back, it feels like an eternity trying to decide what to do — go upstairs to who-knows-where or down to street level? I chose the former as to the latter and I find the pool deck of the hotel. I’m too shook up to really know if anyone who I passed spoke to me or even acknowledged me as I walked back to the hotel with blood flowing from my nose.

The fallout of all this is me walking bloodily to the lobby and asking for help, and the hotel springing to action to take car eof one of their customers. I appreciate the hell out of that but I’m stille mbarassed by being there while a convention was gathering and people checking in and out and what not. Of course, hotel security took care of that by getting me behind closed doors and takign care of me…

Probably the most anecdotal happening in LA in my time visiting the City of Angels on my lonesome. This would only have been better with company

You realize that the country currently has it’s own three I’s? These aren’t principles that are guiding us but they are factors in our daily lives:

Inflation – you will not hear the Federal Reserve chairman talking about inflation, nor will you hear the Bush administration talk about how costs have skyrocketed over a short period of time. Everyone knows about gas prices, but real estate prices, durable goods, groceries, insurance premiums, medical care — everything is spiking for the common person. The federal governent is just concerned with the mega-ultra-large corporations in how they deal with this. Corporatiosn are going strong right now while workers wages are stagnent. It’s been almost a decade since minimum wage was increased in the United States and instead of promoting better treatment for employees, the Bush administration has worked vigilently to repeal work laws so corporations can profit and not be stradled by the costs of labor.

Intolerance – you reep what you sow and that is the case with the Dubai Port World deal and George Walker Bush signing off on the deal. Bush made Arab’s into the boogeyman of the 21st century with his rhetoric after 9-11. The propoganda coming out of the White House tied Iraq to 9-11 in order to justify the invasion of Iraq. People were scared and reacted to just that, signing off on the war because those damn Arabs attacked us first! (wwhich is a flat out lie and ignorant assumption by the citizens of the US)

So the Dubai Ports deal comes through and Bush has no problem with it — it’s a furtherment of his pro-big business agenda. Bill Clinton signs off on it and does what he can to help out behind the scenes (as Slick Willie has always been a proponent of Globalization — as is New York Times writer Paul Krugman). Everyone expects a free pass over this as that is how the country has operated since 9-11 (allowing Bush to get whatever he wanted)…

…Until the public learns about the deal.

Everyone cries foul — Republicans and Democrats alike. The Xenophobia of the Arab Boogeyman that Bush’s administration has so well played rears it’s ugly head. An Arab country in charge of US Ports?! An Arab country with ties to 9-11?!?

And yet, Krugman had a good point in a recent article which denounced this intolerance. The United States should be an active player in the global economy and we cannot run scared from a country in the middle east because of the ignorant and arrogant propoganda show that was put out by the Administration to further it’s agenda.

Of course I could go on about intolerance — everyone beign afraid of homosexuals, blacks and whites in the continued racial war of poverty, faux-Christians sullying Christian ideals and justifying hatred, violence and greed in His name, etc…

Isolationism – Go it alone, “with us or against us,” and the country trumping the world in matters of global politics (be it war, peace, treaties, signing off on elected officials in other countries or dispatchign elected officials in others)  The US has become largely islolated with thanks to it’s policies while being depedant and indebted to cheap foreign labor and despot oil suppliers.

If you’ve blamed them for staying in New Orleans or where they are — all the while being happy with how the Government has cut your taxes or happy that Corporations are racking up huge profits… you’re part of the problem…

You might have caught Kanye West tonight on NBC’s concert special to raise relief money for victim’s of Hurricane Katrina. If you missed it, Kanye said on air (before a hasty cut by NBC to Chris Tucker) “George W. Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

Though I can grasp Kanye’s sentiment and where he’s coming from, he’s shooting with the wrong gun by making this statement. The race card doesn’t have to come out as-so-much a more observant look at what is gone wrong with this country.

The weak / slow response to Hurricane Katrina (to put it simply) represents how the separation the President and most of the government from the people (both parties are guilty of this at current). There is the aristocratic class of businessmen and politicos, donors and blind supporters that get top-of-the-line treatment with focus on issues that are concerns of theirs (wedge issues that do not effect day to day life – Abortion, gay marriage, FCC decency standards, etc) while the issues that effect the general populous (being of any race, creed or color) get ignored. Infrastructure is falling apart in the US, schools are in atrocious conditions, health care and insurance are domineered by for-profit corporate interests that keeps people from protection and medical care they need. Poverty is on the rise (and has been the last 4 years) yet you are told a rosie economic picture from the government or talking head economists because the only thing that matters is the statistics or the investor class… Not the people working, not the pay rates of the blue collar class. Not the fact minimum wage has not been raised for 8 years. Just profit margins.

I don’t think it’s a black-and-white thing that Kanye said (and other African Americans are going to agree with) as-so-much a rich-vs-poor thing. Aristocrats-vs-commoners thing. Many of us commoners can’t even begin to comprehend how bad poverty is… You can hear it anyplace they talk about the tragedy that is New Orleans: “They should have gotten out! They should have gotten to Superdome, they should have… they should have…” We can assign blame but we can’t understand the logic. We can assign blame but we can’t grasp their lives. We can assign blame but many of us would take the same route in our suburban homes that these people did in their urban apartments and houses.

We truly don’t understand shit with regards to poverty and the plight of the working class if we’re going to keep allowing corporate interests and special interests to control the country with their interests at heart, not the interests of the citizens of the United States. I don’t believe Bush can grasp what the common person suffers. I could never believe John Kerry (or Hillary Clinton) would be able to comprehend it either, or Al Gore… It’s the same-old aristocrat class that is so out of touch with America that we suffer at their ineptitude.

In fact we’re dying because of their out-of-touch status.

Kanye’s blast at Bush is a blast at the fact the government has turned a blind eye on these people — and they’ll continue to do so from both parties unless we wise up and vote with our heads… We need leadership in this country, and we’re not going to get it from someone who doesn’t understand what it is to live among the people.

Keep ranting about personal stuff? Take it more pop culture with entertainment things that I can’t always speak for when it’s current? (My Adaptation review was an old post, I comment on old songs, previously released movies, published books, etc) Political rants which are done better on other blogs and are the norm on the blogshere, and certain people I’ve met with Boltsmag talk about local issues pretty well….

Then we have the fact I do talk about sports here and there — Boltsmag is a success just because I really timed this shit well :smile. There’s writing stories I could give but those are about failure. Medical stories I could tell but those seem irrelevant…

This is the personal homepage of John Fontana but then again? I want the Stonegauge to be a place to stop by and have something worth looking into, commenting on or discussing. Not the garbage I’ve had lately. My April entry spurt was brought on by a certain someone who does a real good job of showing up when she needs a crutch, but avoids really well when things don’t fit her current schedule, which includes friendship..

I want to give “a better ‘Gauge on things” but damnit – I want it to be relevant in some way shape or form. It isn’t at this rate.

I want my walker fix, I need my assistive walker fix! If I don’t have my fix, I go crazy! I have a difficult time doing routine things like, well, walking! I need to lean! I want to lean! I want your support walker! UGH!

Seriously though, folks, being a gimp as my medical posts have so often referenced, I’ve been using a walker since last August and I’m starting to get peeved I am still dependent on it. Oh no, it’s not because I physically can’t walk without it any more… It’s that… Well, I can’t LET myself walk without it. It becomes so difficult!

I looked around the Internet and I couldn’t find anything on the psychological dependence patients build towards assistive devices in case they are using them for a long time. I’ve been confident that exists for a very long time after seeing plenty of elderly people, after surgery, insist on continuing to use assistive devices that they no longer need. It’s easier that way. I have to agree with them but at the same time — I’m a 24 year old and walking around as a gimp without something to lean on kills my social life.

Friend: “So, you wanna hang out?”

Me: “Sure, just make sure you drop me off curb side because the pavement is cracked in front of the building. Also help me get to my seat — screw chivalry! — I look like a fool pushing this aluminum walking thing around.”

Fun stuff :rolleyes

SO I gotta try to kick the habit. Be that by upgrading to a cane and making it Swing or by just getting rid of the walker and forcing myself to walk without it. Easier said than don, either way.

US 19 for example).

But here we have someone from Alaska on a key committee and he pushes for bridges that will lead to no where. That will do nothing to aid these areas besides providing jobs during the construction of the bridges. This is the epitome of wasteful spending that every American should be infuriated by.

I’m big on a lot of things that can be considered pork — the Space program, medical research, and I guess other stuff on a case-by-case basis. But these bridge proposals in a time when the US Deficit is at an all time high, is just insanity.

John F. Kerry might be grinning like a schoolboy and John Edwards might be giddy too because they both have found new life after the Iowa caucus, but at the same time I have seen the Democratic Party take a severe hit. Mr. Dead and Mr. Inexperienced have gotten their new life and the villain — Howard Dean — from the Media’s take, is all but over as a candidate.

And if that’s the case, expect four more years of George W. Bush as president of the United States.

Look, this might look like sour grapes to certain democrats who see Bush as someone who HAS to get thrown out of office, no matter who it is facing him in November…. But the fact is John Kerry can’t carry the Democratic Party to victory in November. That’s been the case since he’s planned on running for President. Head to head, Bush would fleece Kerry in a general election not because of politics alone, but sheer personality. You see, Kerry lacks a personality… He comes off dead in both his looks and his attempts to show he has some shred of character. Riding motorcycles just won’t cut it, he comes off like Al Gore did in 2000.

Then there’s the “more of the same” dilemma to boot.

Kerry and Edwards are members of a group of Democrats who have failed to win over the hearts and minds of Americans as they have sat on Capital Hill. Not only have they failed on that task, they’ve failed to stand up for principles and values that are supposedly things that define the Democratic party. The fact they both voted for the Iraq war — and Kerry twisting the logic behind his yes vote shows his desperation to change history — is just part of the reason why I cannot bring myself to vote for either of them come November. It’s philosophical but at the same time, it’s personal. I’ve seen them both slander the lead candidate and twist his words, I’ve seen them both act exactly the same (in a non-impressive fashion) when speaking publicly…. More of the same, more of the same…

:puke

I don’t want more of the same. That was part of the reason I didn’t vote for Gore in the 2000 election — more of the same would have been scandals and his own flip-flopping on issues when speaking in public. Flip flopping specifically to seem more like his opponent and appeal to the moderates who were trying to guess who they would vote for. I certainly don’t want a candidate who is concerned about polling numbers and demographics when he tries to plot out how he would lead the United States. I want someone who’s not afraid to go against the grain, speak his mind, show some balls and kick some ass…

John F. Kerry, Joesph Lieberman, John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich don’t show that character… Al Sharpton may, but unfortunately he is also on the fringe. Howard Dean has consistently showed this and despite his loss in Iowa, despite the repeated airplay of his terrible Iowa speech blow-up, and despite what the media is saying, I still believe in him. I still back him… And I will continue to back him.

Heck, if Kerry or Edwards got the party nomination, I would sooner write Howard Dean in as where my vote was going than vote for them.

I believe in Dean.

One might get upset or urge me to think about General Wesley Clark, and for the most part — I’ve been thinking about him more lately as an alternative if in fact Dean is somehow eliminated in the near future (while Clark continues)…. The only problem with Clark is that, while he is knew to Politics, he comes off as a puppet of his advisor’s. THAT is more of the same as well — the same being George Walker Bush, the grand puppet of his advisor’s will… That isn’t something that appeals to me.

Dean appeals to me as being his own man… Someone willing to stand up and say “That’s not right!” and pick a fight over the issue….

Something Kerry failed to do.

Something Edwards and Lieberman failed to do.

Something Kucinich goes a little too wacky with his alternatives….

Something Sharpton needs to hone a little more…

Something Clark’s stances on aren’t always clear….

Something leading me to remain adamant that Howard Brush Dean, Medical Doctor, Former Governor of Vermont, is the one who should be the Forty Fourth president of the United States.

Judy Dean, as her maiden name might clue you in about, is jewish… There is nothing wrong with Jewish people or those of Hebrew decent but of course there is always some ignorant moron somewhere in America that feels threatened by someone of this ethnicity.

I don’t want Judy to be a target of anyone’s hate. I don’t want Judy or Howard to be made examples of with regards to anti-Israeli sentiment. Howard Dean, Governor, Medical Doctor and candidate for the presidency of the United States, isn’t Jewish but the fact that he married someone of the Jewish faith might continue to make him a target of anti-Israeli sentiments.

Now, by my “anti-Israel” statements, I am not standing up for Israel. In fact, I find them just as guilty of terrorism as they keep finger-pointing towards the Palestinians. That being said, Israel has nothing to do with a medical doctor from Vermont.

I just hope, if any of these racist idiots are still lurking out there, that they realize this and don’t try to set one example or another by trying to commit some type of assault or attack against Judy Dean.

But it’s an interesting anniversary none the less — one that goes from silent to booming in 4 years and applies only when I’m lazy now.

I went deaf 6 years ago to the day.

I had an acoustical neuroma (egad, did I spell that right or wrong for the umpteenth time?) removed out in Los Angeles at St. Vincent’s Medical Center by doctor Derald Brackman and company… I woke up – not sure when, can’t recall what I was told in the past – with the only sounds in my head a constant tenninus and my own voice when I spoke. Of course, I hadn’t been able to hear much before that, as I had been constantly losing hearing in both ears since 12 or 13, but six years ago — my world went totally silent.

I can’t remember all the details – I checked in the night before to the hospital. I didn’t shave my head, like I should have done, and that resulted in a gnarly haircut… I do recall me quipping about the Big One hitting during the operation (“what happens then?” I asked those who were prepping me) and I can recall the immediate aftermath of surgery – being chained to a bed and being asked to touch my nose with my restrained hands.

Of course there is more to it – my life now with sound and the Auditory Brainstem Implant has beaten deafness. There are anecdotes from when I went deaf and the immediate aftermath to regaining my hearing in 2001 with the ABI… And of course me aborting setting up the ABI in March 1998 and delaying having sound back to begin with… but alas, that is for another time because my computer is in need of help.

Things seem a lot better today – Tuesday — but Bob, my physical therapist, is telling me that the tumor is really fucking up the works for me and I need to have that removed one way or another.

Yes, I know this — I know it quite well. The problem is the consequences of surgery which is making me delay any decision.

You see, I live at home still because of my medical condition and that house happens to be 2 stories. My friends know this, but for some of my other readers who have been on the site lately, I know you don’t.. This tumor that is screwing up my legs — when it’s removed, may cost my use of my legs, period. That presents a problem for me because my house is not disabled friendly and my parents plan post-op doesn’t work. They want to change the den and laundry room into an apartment (no windows mind you ) for my disabled ass. When I talk about finding an alternative – they seem to think I am bullshitting. I do NOT want to continue living in this house, I do not want to live in a sarcophagus and have it defined as a room. I can’t LEAVE the house when I am in a wheelchair right now because of quirks around the house that make it tough for a wheelchair bound person to move around and get out. I can’t get around the house when I am in a wheelchair because of halls not being wide enough and what not.

And they want me to stay because it’s the simplest answer for them – do something that makes their lives easier while I suffer. “Just as long as you don’t interrupt us smoking our cigarettes and playing our computer games and watching our sitcoms, everything will be fine.” :sad

That’s not the truth – the last few months have proven that not to entirely be the truth but at the same time, it’s a long standing truth that shows up at one point or another. I think accepting their solution is just along the lines of this — “Don’t second guess us — take what we give you and don’t give us grief….even if our solution gives you grief.”

:sad

I wanted to spread The Word. No, John still hasn’t found religion or Faith (note to self – that is what you should write about later, faith) but something more important (he he) for the United States in General:

I’m talking Howard Dean.

Some of you may or may not know that I fully support Doctor Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, for President of the United States. .The questions that might come to ones mind over this range from:

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Why do you care now, months away from the first primaries?”

Well, to forgo some of the silly questions — I care now about the guys who are running for president because i6t’s important to have the strongest candidate to face George W. Bush for the sake of this nation. Getting involved now and latching on to the guy who has come out as the best candidate is what I have done — I’ve been on-board with Dean since early this summer.

What’s wrong with the other candidates? Well, unless you haven’t been paying attention (and most Americans haven’t), there is no passion from most of the Presidential candidates. John Kerry — US Senator – reminds me of a ghost even though he has credentials and an aristocrat background that might get him far. Almost all the candidates were pro-Iraqi-War while Bob Graham and Dean were against it from the get go. Guys like AL Sharpton, Caroline Mosely-Braun and Dennis Kucinech don’t get me excited at all and tend to be too far to the left. Sharpton specifically isn”t a realistic candidate.

But what makes Dean special, you ask? There’s just something with the Doctor that makes me think America can get back to where it was before Dubya screwed it up – making us a tyrant of the world (note – we’ve been tyrants for a lot longer than the Bush administration, but its been more acute under this regime). I believe Howard Dean can both resurrect the failed US economy, stop the corporate insanity as well as improve life for citizens across the country much better than anyone else.

Want to find out more? If you are on the Internet — it’s the greatest place to find out about Howard Dean. Seeing you are on my web site – you have got to be on the Internet so — hot shit! You can find out more! Check out Blog for America for reports from the Dean campaign itself.

Going to cut this short – talking to old friends.

I got up this morning and was reading the paper – Sunday edition of the St. Petersburg Times – like I normally would when it hit me that it was this Sunday last year that I got a little press over a situation that was going on with me and Apple Corp. LTD.

I’ve been making mention of it being a year later and they can’t quite believe it’s been a year since that happened. Hell, neither can I. I’m trying to think back a year ago and in a lot of ways I think I was better off then than I am now — I was scared but I was also determined to try to cause a ruckus over the whole thing. Scared — more because of surgery that was facing me than because of the whole fight. I was intimidated and I felt alone quite a good bit. I didn’t have the support of my family (note my other journal entries and any reference to my father and his lack-of-sticking-his-neck-out). I did have the support of my friends for the most part… And that meant a lot to me.

And the fans, there is no way in hell that i can forget the fans. I was just a faceless-name to some of them. I mean, you gotta figure unless you meet someone in person that the only way they can perceive you is in two dimensions… At the same time, they were the reason I was putting up a fight in the first place and having the positive feedback I was getting was the reason I battled on to just try to attract attention to the situation. How could I just give in? Countless fans across the Internet could be subjected to some of the Corporate Terrorism like I was subjected to… I mean, the RIAA is doing that just now – terrorizing the fans.

So here I sit, 365 days after the events that transpired to give me a name and yet I’m no farther down the road than I was then. Not more recognized (though I have had some friends tell me they have read my story or heard about my plight — Lou Fisher heard about it in Fishkill, New York — reading it in the paper last year or what not) and yet back down a path I wanted to venture last year when I was telling Jeanne Malmgren about my plight… No, that wasn’t where I decided I wanted to write again, it was just an event that inspired me.

So what’s my inspiration now?

I’ve got the Stonegauge on line and it’s been there since last July… It’s got a trickle of web traffic compared to Beatlelyrics.com — though LennonLad is still taking in some 90-150 visitors a day, and Abolish the Designated Hitter takes in 5-20 visitors at any given time — but I am still kicking on the web.

Yet the web isn’t my inspiration… That’s not what’s driving me right now – not web recognition… Though I’d like it… I’d like to be bigger than I though I was in my brief and glimmering 15 minutes of fame last year. That part of me still exists. In fact, I’m happy to report the angry, angst ridden son-of-a-bitch is still out there right now. I won’t say I want the world but damnit – I’m not sitting back and waiting for things. Sure, I’ve got problems in front of me. Yeah, I’ve got problems that are pinning my emotions, but fer Christ’s sake — if I have any say on the direction of where I go from here, I’ll tell you that you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ve been hurt — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been put down — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been stopped — I’ll keep fighting.

Well, just as long as I control my fate. When it’s taken out of my hands (medical stuff) there’s not much I can do… But I’ll leave it up to the Fates to tie me down or set me free.

It’s now the 4th of August. The official date the above mentioned article was published… and this little rant is now published as well.

That’s Saturday for ya!

I was feeling really good about myself after getting my latest assignment back from Lou… Especially when he pushed the fact that the story was such a piece that it was worthy of publication now…

Oh, there were edits I needed to make, but tte story content was so vivid and so identifiable that it just was great…

Certain people will coddle their own ego knowing what the piece was about and knowing they told me to write about that specific subject.

Then? What happened? Well, lets just say I deflated and deflated pretty fast for that matter when I felt strung along by the powers that be, people, things, etc. Oh, I could make mention of things I’ve previously complained about recently in here (Medical, medical, medical ) but it was more out of my control than that is (and that is very much out of my control).

THe poetry that’s shown up here was written in May and early June when I had the creative juices going. Sometimes posting a poem is easier than writing a journal entry — of coruse it is, damnit, becasue you don’t have to write anything original off the cuff like regular long winded journal entries are written….

…

No, no… it’s not that bad, I’m just tired right now and not thinking straight for the most part. I got to Bartels office at 11, waited till about 1 to see him, you can imagine how much fun that was. And my appointment didn’t last more than 10 minutes… I mean, I like the guy, he’s someone that you got to respect and trust, but jebus, Doctor Bartels, hire another doctor to share the load with yourself… There were people in there that waited just as long or longer than I did to see him and it’s just sorta sad.

So what IS the verdict anyway?

I’m honestly not exactly sure, though I should have been more forward in finding out what was up though Doc was pretty certain that it wasn’t tumors in my head doing everything that was wrong with me. The tumor that is causing my leg weakness is also helping throw off my balance from what I was told…

Great, perfect, juuuuuuuuust perfect…

But it’s not as grim as I saw it just a week ago, that’s good. Not going to be pleasant though with whatever the next step is – that’s bad.

Anyway, in other news I’m getting attached to another Howard Dean support site by my web-friend Chris who runs the satire extremes George Bush for President ’04 (or W04), Red Tide News, and of course the social blog Kill the Web which I regularly contribute to over there (but too often in a political form and not just social stuff and pop culture mumbo jumbo that could easily be bloggered). This new site (deanfilter) goes on top of my message board for the local dean activists who haven’t yet entirely flocked to my humble web site.

(Insolent peons! You will love me and bow down to me and flock to my site or I’ll… I’ll… um… Hold on, it’ll come to me… Ok, I’ll do nothing except bitch and moan. What else do I do anyway? :-p )