The weekend with my legs totally sucked. I had hurt my ankle on Friday and didn’t know how bad it was until Saturday when I couldn’t walk on it any more. On Sunday I was confined to my room and only able to get up and around again on Monday.

Things seem a lot better today – Tuesday — but Bob, my physical therapist, is telling me that the tumor is really fucking up the works for me and I need to have that removed one way or another.

Yes, I know this — I know it quite well. The problem is the consequences of surgery which is making me delay any decision.

You see, I live at home still because of my medical condition and that house happens to be 2 stories. My friends know this, but for some of my other readers who have been on the site lately, I know you don’t.. This tumor that is screwing up my legs — when it’s removed, may cost my use of my legs, period. That presents a problem for me because my house is not disabled friendly and my parents plan post-op doesn’t work. They want to change the den and laundry room into an apartment (no windows mind you ) for my disabled ass. When I talk about finding an alternative – they seem to think I am bullshitting. I do NOT want to continue living in this house, I do not want to live in a sarcophagus and have it defined as a room. I can’t LEAVE the house when I am in a wheelchair right now because of quirks around the house that make it tough for a wheelchair bound person to move around and get out. I can’t get around the house when I am in a wheelchair because of halls not being wide enough and what not.

And they want me to stay because it’s the simplest answer for them – do something that makes their lives easier while I suffer. “Just as long as you don’t interrupt us smoking our cigarettes and playing our computer games and watching our sitcoms, everything will be fine.” :sad

That’s not the truth – the last few months have proven that not to entirely be the truth but at the same time, it’s a long standing truth that shows up at one point or another. I think accepting their solution is just along the lines of this — “Don’t second guess us — take what we give you and don’t give us grief….even if our solution gives you grief.”

:sad

I’ll try to get another entry in before midnight but I make no promises. My day has been short and mostly uneventful sans medical problems and conversations…

I wanted to spread The Word. No, John still hasn’t found religion or Faith (note to self – that is what you should write about later, faith) but something more important (he he) for the United States in General:

I’m talking Howard Dean.

Some of you may or may not know that I fully support Doctor Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, for President of the United States. .The questions that might come to ones mind over this range from:

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Why do you care now, months away from the first primaries?”

Well, to forgo some of the silly questions — I care now about the guys who are running for president because i6t’s important to have the strongest candidate to face George W. Bush for the sake of this nation. Getting involved now and latching on to the guy who has come out as the best candidate is what I have done — I’ve been on-board with Dean since early this summer.

What’s wrong with the other candidates? Well, unless you haven’t been paying attention (and most Americans haven’t), there is no passion from most of the Presidential candidates. John Kerry — US Senator – reminds me of a ghost even though he has credentials and an aristocrat background that might get him far. Almost all the candidates were pro-Iraqi-War while Bob Graham and Dean were against it from the get go. Guys like AL Sharpton, Caroline Mosely-Braun and Dennis Kucinech don’t get me excited at all and tend to be too far to the left. Sharpton specifically isn”t a realistic candidate.

But what makes Dean special, you ask? There’s just something with the Doctor that makes me think America can get back to where it was before Dubya screwed it up – making us a tyrant of the world (note – we’ve been tyrants for a lot longer than the Bush administration, but its been more acute under this regime). I believe Howard Dean can both resurrect the failed US economy, stop the corporate insanity as well as improve life for citizens across the country much better than anyone else.

Want to find out more? If you are on the Internet — it’s the greatest place to find out about Howard Dean. Seeing you are on my web site – you have got to be on the Internet so — hot shit! You can find out more! Check out Blog for America for reports from the Dean campaign itself.

Going to cut this short – talking to old friends.

It was a year ago today that J.P. Fontana got some press today
And though he is pretty much out of style, he tries his best to raise a smile

I got up this morning and was reading the paper – Sunday edition of the St. Petersburg Times – like I normally would when it hit me that it was this Sunday last year that I got a little press over a situation that was going on with me and Apple Corp. LTD.

I’ve been making mention of it being a year later and they can’t quite believe it’s been a year since that happened. Hell, neither can I. I’m trying to think back a year ago and in a lot of ways I think I was better off then than I am now — I was scared but I was also determined to try to cause a ruckus over the whole thing. Scared — more because of surgery that was facing me than because of the whole fight. I was intimidated and I felt alone quite a good bit. I didn’t have the support of my family (note my other journal entries and any reference to my father and his lack-of-sticking-his-neck-out). I did have the support of my friends for the most part… And that meant a lot to me.

And the fans, there is no way in hell that i can forget the fans. I was just a faceless-name to some of them. I mean, you gotta figure unless you meet someone in person that the only way they can perceive you is in two dimensions… At the same time, they were the reason I was putting up a fight in the first place and having the positive feedback I was getting was the reason I battled on to just try to attract attention to the situation. How could I just give in? Countless fans across the Internet could be subjected to some of the Corporate Terrorism like I was subjected to… I mean, the RIAA is doing that just now – terrorizing the fans.

So here I sit, 365 days after the events that transpired to give me a name and yet I’m no farther down the road than I was then. Not more recognized (though I have had some friends tell me they have read my story or heard about my plight — Lou Fisher heard about it in Fishkill, New York — reading it in the paper last year or what not) and yet back down a path I wanted to venture last year when I was telling Jeanne Malmgren about my plight… No, that wasn’t where I decided I wanted to write again, it was just an event that inspired me.

So what’s my inspiration now?

I’ve got the Stonegauge on line and it’s been there since last July… It’s got a trickle of web traffic compared to Beatlelyrics.com — though LennonLad is still taking in some 90-150 visitors a day, and Abolish the Designated Hitter takes in 5-20 visitors at any given time — but I am still kicking on the web.

Yet the web isn’t my inspiration… That’s not what’s driving me right now – not web recognition… Though I’d like it… I’d like to be bigger than I though I was in my brief and glimmering 15 minutes of fame last year. That part of me still exists. In fact, I’m happy to report the angry, angst ridden son-of-a-bitch is still out there right now. I won’t say I want the world but damnit – I’m not sitting back and waiting for things. Sure, I’ve got problems in front of me. Yeah, I’ve got problems that are pinning my emotions, but fer Christ’s sake — if I have any say on the direction of where I go from here, I’ll tell you that you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ve been hurt — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been put down — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been stopped — I’ll keep fighting.

Well, just as long as I control my fate. When it’s taken out of my hands (medical stuff) there’s not much I can do… But I’ll leave it up to the Fates to tie me down or set me free.

It’s now the 4th of August. The official date the above mentioned article was published… and this little rant is now published as well.

One moment you can have your ego coddled by the powers that be, the next minute you can have it torn down by a barb. One minute you can feel really good about yoruself and the next minute someone can fuck it up for you in one way or another.

That’s Saturday for ya!

I was feeling really good about myself after getting my latest assignment back from Lou… Especially when he pushed the fact that the story was such a piece that it was worthy of publication now…

Oh, there were edits I needed to make, but tte story content was so vivid and so identifiable that it just was great…

Certain people will coddle their own ego knowing what the piece was about and knowing they told me to write about that specific subject.

Then? What happened? Well, lets just say I deflated and deflated pretty fast for that matter when I felt strung along by the powers that be, people, things, etc. Oh, I could make mention of things I’ve previously complained about recently in here (Medical, medical, medical ) but it was more out of my control than that is (and that is very much out of my control).

THe poetry that’s shown up here was written in May and early June when I had the creative juices going. Sometimes posting a poem is easier than writing a journal entry — of coruse it is, damnit, becasue you don’t have to write anything original off the cuff like regular long winded journal entries are written….

Well, the good news is I am not dead yet.

…

No, no… it’s not that bad, I’m just tired right now and not thinking straight for the most part. I got to Bartels office at 11, waited till about 1 to see him, you can imagine how much fun that was. And my appointment didn’t last more than 10 minutes… I mean, I like the guy, he’s someone that you got to respect and trust, but jebus, Doctor Bartels, hire another doctor to share the load with yourself… There were people in there that waited just as long or longer than I did to see him and it’s just sorta sad.

So what IS the verdict anyway?

I’m honestly not exactly sure, though I should have been more forward in finding out what was up though Doc was pretty certain that it wasn’t tumors in my head doing everything that was wrong with me. The tumor that is causing my leg weakness is also helping throw off my balance from what I was told…

Great, perfect, juuuuuuuuust perfect…

But it’s not as grim as I saw it just a week ago, that’s good. Not going to be pleasant though with whatever the next step is – that’s bad.

Anyway, in other news I’m getting attached to another Howard Dean support site by my web-friend Chris who runs the satire extremes George Bush for President ’04 (or W04), Red Tide News, and of course the social blog Kill the Web which I regularly contribute to over there (but too often in a political form and not just social stuff and pop culture mumbo jumbo that could easily be bloggered). This new site (deanfilter) goes on top of my message board for the local dean activists who haven’t yet entirely flocked to my humble web site.

(Insolent peons! You will love me and bow down to me and flock to my site or I’ll… I’ll… um… Hold on, it’ll come to me… Ok, I’ll do nothing except bitch and moan. What else do I do anyway? :-p )

Seeing how it’s almost 10 AM I thought I would start the day off with a journal entry. I’m seeing Dr. Bartels inside 2 hours and I’m going to be talking turkey with medical stuff.

Ah, and to clarify something I said yesterday: I’ve been dealing with a story that I’ve written off-and-on the past few weeks right now. It’s going ok but I don’t know when I’ll close the story up or what I’ll do to close the story up for that matter. If I just keep going with it — and i don’t know how I can, I had one idea ironed out and I’ve gotten through that idea with 14 manuscript pages — I’ll find a closing spot… but right now as it stands it’s going to be a much more difficult thing to do for me than I would like it to be.

But that’s writing for you – it’s not always a joy… yet immersing yourself in writing and concentrating on it gives you escape from the world.

So I was up at an hour that
is between dawn and lunch… I couldn’t tell, it was all such a blur to me that
my "wake up" shower lasted 20 minutes with me mumbling as I scrubbed
and thinking of things and people instead of focusing on my day ahead. Actually
it was quite nice to be up at a sane hour in the morning for a change (even
though I didn’t get to sleep until midnight). I’ve been stuck in this unending
trend of getting up from 10:30 to Noon and having rather unproductive days because
of it.

Well, actually, this day
hasn’t been too productive either so don’t think everything was much better
off with me getting up at a sane hour and being able to term the start of my
day as it truly was – the morning.

SO I went to see Doc Smith
and his merry band of medical matrons who masterly manipulated and mutilated
my moxie by keeping me waiting for an hour after the time I was scheduled to
have my appointment. Of course, Dr. Cahill’s passing was most likely the cause
of things being tied up at TGH, so I’ll forgive them for this.

Unfortunately it’s a lot
harder to forgive my body for what it’s putting me through and putting my doctor
thorough, who isn’t quite certain what the cause of trouble is for me or where
to proceed. And there’s a lot of trouble for me. Even more trouble than I mentioned
to him and trouble that can’t be found on MRI images (well, at least this set
of them).

But all in all, a fight
line is being drawn. Action is going to take place soon enough. The powers are
aligning – some for me, some against. Of course, I have to battle on much as
the poem says. I’ve got too many places to go, things to see, people to do..
It’s such a demanding existence, I tell ya! :-p

I had Keith read my first
rough draft of my Non-Fiction assignment (mind you, there are 5 of them and
I was just trying harder with one) and basically he told me it was crap
Of course he also inspired a re-write that put the story more in the first person
about going through the trials and tribulations of a Bucs fan over the years
and the end result was 920+ words and a much better story. I’ve gone through
it once since I wrote it, will have to go through it again before I get up the
nerve to print this story out and send it to Lou.
Personally, I don’t want to keep doing Non-fiction, I want to learn how to become
more charismatic in my writing (as my last assignment feels cold except through
the story’s twists and turns) and keep on chugging with fiction.

Well it’s been a month since I left a entry into my journal in any way shape or form. I’ve avoided this for one reason or another and in fact my journal came back to haunt me again a few weeks ago so I don’t know for sure if I should continue saying anything in these things. Is it because I want to be secretive? No, it’s more along the lines I don’t want to confuse anyone or upset anyone like I can do in here.

That leads me to my writing today. Today is Valentines Day, a day of heart, a day of joy for those who have found love and a day of misery for those without it, or a day or longing past romance from those you may very well be in love with but haven’t experienced the romantic side from your other in a while.

I’ve admittedly been in love since August with someone I haven’t ever met in person… Someone that has meant a lot to me because she’s not only been there to listen to me, but because we’ve just clicked in a lot of ways and I feel like she makes me better when I am with her. A better human being, a better comedian, a more thoughtful person, etc…

I don’t know what the future will bring us – if things will last any longer than a week or things are long term in the grandest meanings of the word – and of course I’ve had my doubts before (and still do of course, who doesn’t at times) but I realize the reason I am doubting a lot of the time is because of my own past or my own insecurities and paranoia… Life just tends to throw you off course whenever you see something you want and you have to keep going towards it while you can until what you desire moves either clearly out of the picture or is in your grasp.

1-4-3, S.M.R :kiss :rose

OK, now that i have gotten matters of the heart out of the way, it’s time to tell everyone just what I have been up to the past month that has made me not want to come on here and rant and rave… Well, I got fired from Target for starters. Not fired from screwing up but pink slipped. Cut backs and what not. I’m not exactly medically sound right now but I know I can get through this like I get through everything else that has ever made me intimidated before in my life — because I’m just too damned good to let it go to my head (you don’t know how bad a pun that was just now).

I’ve been all over the web trying to find something to pass the time – be it talking on instant message programs to talking on Message boards. I single handedly turned around the Segway-open mailing list as I may or may not have already reported. Segway’s, by the way, start shipping on March 1st. You’ll be seeing more of those buzzing around you soon enough.

George Dubya “Warmonger” Bush is dead set on a war in Iraq…. This goes as no surprise to me because they’ve been planning this thing since Bush took office in 2001…. Yet the entire world is against the US efforts to start a war and that is causing a bit of a problem.

Of course there is also the fact that Osama Bin Laden has issued a couple of new Communication tapes — which is always foreshadowing to an attack. The US is on a heightened terror alert right now and rightly so.

Oh yeah, and before I close this Journal entry off, I think that I have avoided a subject matter that in itself is huge that should have gotten it’s own private entry in here over the past month (but I’ve been too lazy to get to it) —

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS! SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DEFENSE WINS IT ALL!!!!!!!

I’m back…

After getting caught up at home (read – unwound, read the paper, got bored to shit, etc) I’m here giving you the update on what went down during my four day trek through Jim Morrison’s City of Light (or City of Night, take your pick).

First and foremost, the flight to LA was good – we had pretty good conditions and we also had a basically empty plane that made a stop over in Albuquerque, New Mexico before going on to LA. There was, however, a rather gross incident on this flight I would rather forget – a kid sitting across the aisle either spilled a drink or wet his pants, he proceeded to stand up on his seat and disrobe all the way to his bare ass. Now, nudity is pretty cool in some lights, but I do not want to look at a child’s penis, nor do I think they should be allowed to get naked on the plane in plain view of everyone else…

What he didn’t do, and I’m glad he didn’t, was run up and down the aisle screaming “Nekkid time! Nekkid time!”

Anyway, on the second leg of the flight — I enjoyed a soft drink instead of the bottled water which I had been drinking for most of the flight. I also had my father repeatedly flip me the bird. Gee, thanks Dad.

When we got to LA, everything was great up until we got near St. Vincent Medical Center – traffic was snarled and we were frustrated as hell by it, not only that but we went to the local grocery store to pick up some things for our stay and we found out that there had been a MAJOR accident involving buried utilities. Some of the street lights on the way had been out, the stores themselves were shut, there was police tape from here to San Bernardino and we basically had to go back empty handed.

Anything else of worth on that trip? No really, the settings of my ABI were changed and they’re a bit fuckered at this point. I’ll get used to it of course but it will take a while. I also wrote a new poem that I’ll probably put on the site soon enough, but I want to go about doing some web work and see if I can get the new design for this page (yes kiddies, new design — maybe) together.