Valentines Day is over commercialized.

It’s odd that t hsi very cynicism set myself up for a downfall yesterday. No, not that I forgot the holiday for a certain someone — it’s that I set myself up for the letdown by playing cynic with the cynic I had tagged as Valenine.

Me “Happy Valentines Day”
Them: “Happy Fake Holiday”
Me: “Happy bitter singles day”

The conversation went on to discuss how Spain has a special holiday for single/recently broken up with people ont eh day after valentines, but through all this I took it as a cue she hadn’t gotten my gift and thus was set up for a surprise.

Well, if she checked her PO Box.

Yeah, by compounding the cynicism I only built up the idea that I hadn’t gotten anything — that or the holiday has just become an excuse to put high ticket items on sale. Heaven forbid someone actually writes,/creates something personal in order to touch someone’s heart on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.

Romance isn’t dead… Realism and cynicism are holding it hostage though and the retailers are paying for the hostage-takers risk.

My biological clock is tickin’ like this! (stomping feet) At this rate, I ain’t neva’ gettin’ married!” — Marisa Tomei (as Mona Lisa Vito) in My Cousin Vinny

A couple of months back, my friend Terra had asked me if guys start having the biological clock thing and start feeling antsy about things. This was inspired by her friend Marc who seemed to be getting that way in wanting to settle down (I forget the exact details of the conversation). I do remember telling her that generally I (as a guy) felt like it was time to grow up and some people also must get it.

I never expected a feeling of dread that I am missing out on more (love, family) until today.

I’m rather chronic with wanting to get involved and I know I bitch and whine elsewhere about my prospects.. Yet I’ve never felt like I would want, need or have a child. That’s probably still the overall realistic truth (I’m single, I am not dating, I am not sleeping around, nor am I the type to just sleep around)…

Yet last night, out of nowhere while my head was weaving it’s magic through the dreamscape — i had a child. I mean, I was the father of a little girl that appeared in the wandering farscapes and such of my subconscious. A little blond haired girl with glasses who thought I was going to be upset with her that she bought herself a toy instead of something else she needed. I re-assured her I wasn’t and put on a happy face. I also ended up — while trying to fix her glasses — breaking her spectacles by accident.

But what has nagged at me is my knowing the girl thought I was her father and I was her father.

I really need to get my mind off this subject and the entire subject of romance right now. Nothing good is going to come from a forced encounter with a stranger that I meet in this state-of-mind…

Enchant me
Rise up over me and engulf me
Through your sensuality and softness
With your intellect and your persona
Show me the reason to care again
And give me a reason to want

Entrance me
Captivate me so I
Can think of nothing other than
Your very existence while
The world spins its uncontrollable revolutions
Leaving each man to cope with its maelstrom

Intoxicate me
Make me wish for nothing more than your
Warm and unblemished flesh
Held close against me
Where desire takes us into the
Unfamiliar territories
Of bliss and contentment

Save me
Find my cynical and sarcastic person
And convince him there is still good in the world
Simply by being yourself
Simply by pointing out in your everything
That not all is corrupt and lost to lust
Lost to insanity
Lost to the malice mankind unleashes on itself

Teach me to love again
Be my purpose in life
The purpose being having and holding you
Wanting and loving you
Supporting and caring for you
Until the sun sets on this world

© 2005 John Fontana

Anyone else a little sick of the media hype of Tom Cruise (and others) romance? Yeah, I figured the other 290+ Million Americans (and how many around the world?) just might be.

Matt Baldwin over at Defective Yeti flashes some humor over the latest People Magazine cover.

I got nostalgic yesterday a bit not just because of where I was and who I was with, but also someoen I ended up talking to via email….

Eric Rosell, one of my best friends growing up – the kid aroudn the corner – got married in a small ceremony at a local church. It was the first time I had seen his parents in a few months, the first time I had seen his brother in a few years and the first time I had seen his sister in more years. It was amazing I was attending Eric’s wedding, surreal even. (sidenote – is it bad luck if a Catholic is married on teh day the Pope dies? I hope not)

I grew up playing or hanging out at Eric’s house. I was the one that was first notably enamoured with someone of the opposite sex… Or at least the first to make a big deal otu of love and romance and stuff like that. This, that and the other thing – I saw my childhood before me — even as it disappeared further.

The nostalgia didn’t end there as I heard from Danae – the girl who live ddownt eh block for a time who I was flipped out for. I had sent her an email wishing her a happy birthday — strange how sometimes you feel like it’s not yoru place to say soemthing like that and yet you have no problem with doing so with other people who are almost complete strangers. She got to breaking me the news her grandmother – who lives down the block – had passed away at Christmas (which I wasn’t aware of) and other things. I remembered being smitten with the saphire-eyed girl who lived at the corner… I thought of the memory of the past – and the awkwardness and malignance the relationship had in general.

But of all negatives in the past – they’ve been forgiven. If not forgotten by me.

No matter what goes on or how mundane things are, I’ve found i have a knack for raising the bar for friends just a little bit here adn there… Just by being myself. Making someone’s day is not something new to me but it’s something that I hadn’t done in a while – well, not conciously.

I could bring up Christmas and gift selections on my part — I got everyone something they loved with exception given to my older brother (who hates everything people get him) and my father (who doesn’t give a care anyway). It was nice to see everyone a bit excited or happy with gifts.

But that was Christmas. What about now?

Well, yesterday I find out Danielle’s birthday is today… And I decide to go benevolent and send her flowers. Just a friendly gift as she is engaged and we’ve demonstrated that we’re not the best for each other. I start talkign to her today and she’s miserable because she’s had her birthday overlooked by her fiancé…. She’s had it ill planned by her future mother in law… She was brroding. She had Rob (her significant other) call and she brougth him down by being down herself. Bummer.

Then the flowers arrive… Just some daisey’s… And you know how big something like that is and how little it is in the grand scheme…? How much of a mood changer it was?

I’m good with shit like that… In all the mundane bullshit that I can whine about, lack of romance and lack of social circle, I can know that I am able to do things that can change someone’s day around or show I care. Maybe this is why I get hurt? Maybe this is why I’m vulnerable?

Maybe this is why I’m one of a kind?

Oh well….

Well it’s been a month since I left a entry into my journal in any way shape or form. I’ve avoided this for one reason or another and in fact my journal came back to haunt me again a few weeks ago so I don’t know for sure if I should continue saying anything in these things. Is it because I want to be secretive? No, it’s more along the lines I don’t want to confuse anyone or upset anyone like I can do in here.

That leads me to my writing today. Today is Valentines Day, a day of heart, a day of joy for those who have found love and a day of misery for those without it, or a day or longing past romance from those you may very well be in love with but haven’t experienced the romantic side from your other in a while.

I’ve admittedly been in love since August with someone I haven’t ever met in person… Someone that has meant a lot to me because she’s not only been there to listen to me, but because we’ve just clicked in a lot of ways and I feel like she makes me better when I am with her. A better human being, a better comedian, a more thoughtful person, etc…

I don’t know what the future will bring us – if things will last any longer than a week or things are long term in the grandest meanings of the word – and of course I’ve had my doubts before (and still do of course, who doesn’t at times) but I realize the reason I am doubting a lot of the time is because of my own past or my own insecurities and paranoia… Life just tends to throw you off course whenever you see something you want and you have to keep going towards it while you can until what you desire moves either clearly out of the picture or is in your grasp.

1-4-3, S.M.R :kiss :rose

OK, now that i have gotten matters of the heart out of the way, it’s time to tell everyone just what I have been up to the past month that has made me not want to come on here and rant and rave… Well, I got fired from Target for starters. Not fired from screwing up but pink slipped. Cut backs and what not. I’m not exactly medically sound right now but I know I can get through this like I get through everything else that has ever made me intimidated before in my life — because I’m just too damned good to let it go to my head (you don’t know how bad a pun that was just now).

I’ve been all over the web trying to find something to pass the time – be it talking on instant message programs to talking on Message boards. I single handedly turned around the Segway-open mailing list as I may or may not have already reported. Segway’s, by the way, start shipping on March 1st. You’ll be seeing more of those buzzing around you soon enough.

George Dubya “Warmonger” Bush is dead set on a war in Iraq…. This goes as no surprise to me because they’ve been planning this thing since Bush took office in 2001…. Yet the entire world is against the US efforts to start a war and that is causing a bit of a problem.

Of course there is also the fact that Osama Bin Laden has issued a couple of new Communication tapes — which is always foreshadowing to an attack. The US is on a heightened terror alert right now and rightly so.

Oh yeah, and before I close this Journal entry off, I think that I have avoided a subject matter that in itself is huge that should have gotten it’s own private entry in here over the past month (but I’ve been too lazy to get to it) —

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS! SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS, BABY!!!!!!!!! DEFENSE WINS IT ALL!!!!!!!