Before and after a major back operation in 2003, I had been using a walker due to the fact my balance and my gait were so far out of wack that I needed to lean on something or I couldn’t remain upright… Or I just couldn’t get from point A to point B.

In May or 2004 — about six months after surgery — I switched from walking with a walker to walking with a cane. I quickly adjusted to life with another assistant device always clutched in my hand. I had just finished up with physical therapy, and I had been hoping I’d be past the need for anything to help me out.

So now it’s August 2008… Just days away from an anniversary of another major operation. Instead of marking the occasion with downer stories and worries and what not, I made a little choice during the day on Friday that’s effected my entire weekend and maybe my day-to-day life from now on.

I haven’t used my cane.

I own a pair of folding canes — one for the yard, the other for general use. I also have a solid wood one. All of them are scattered around the house, but out in obvious places as just-in-case reminders. The thing is, I haven’t needed them. I haven’t wanted them. I haven’t sought them. After 4 years of using them, I’m long overdue to take a liberating step without assistance. And that’s what I’ve done. Neighborhood walks, shopping walks, etc. It’s been a challenge but also a boost to my own self confidence in my physical ability.

It’s a small thing, really… And if i were sitting there reading this blog post, I’d be bummed out at the topic in the first place. But this isn’t supposed to be a post about tearing down as so much building up. A long overdue buildup. We’ll see how long this lasts.

I grew up a fan of the WWF and I re-acquired my fondness for wrestling late int eh 1990′s during the WCW/WWF wars. One of the performers for the WWF (now WWE) was former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle who played a pompous and crass patriot who embodied everything that you could dispise about an athlete. Selfishness, arrogance, etc, etc.
Kurt had a good “angle” though and played the part well. Still does in fact. One part of his repetoir was talking about his three I’s — three words begining with I that were his guiding principles — of Intensity, Integrity and Intelligence.

You realize that the country currently has it’s own three I’s? These aren’t principles that are guiding us but they are factors in our daily lives:

Inflation – you will not hear the Federal Reserve chairman talking about inflation, nor will you hear the Bush administration talk about how costs have skyrocketed over a short period of time. Everyone knows about gas prices, but real estate prices, durable goods, groceries, insurance premiums, medical care — everything is spiking for the common person. The federal governent is just concerned with the mega-ultra-large corporations in how they deal with this. Corporatiosn are going strong right now while workers wages are stagnent. It’s been almost a decade since minimum wage was increased in the United States and instead of promoting better treatment for employees, the Bush administration has worked vigilently to repeal work laws so corporations can profit and not be stradled by the costs of labor.

Intolerance – you reep what you sow and that is the case with the Dubai Port World deal and George Walker Bush signing off on the deal. Bush made Arab’s into the boogeyman of the 21st century with his rhetoric after 9-11. The propoganda coming out of the White House tied Iraq to 9-11 in order to justify the invasion of Iraq. People were scared and reacted to just that, signing off on the war because those damn Arabs attacked us first! (wwhich is a flat out lie and ignorant assumption by the citizens of the US)

So the Dubai Ports deal comes through and Bush has no problem with it — it’s a furtherment of his pro-big business agenda. Bill Clinton signs off on it and does what he can to help out behind the scenes (as Slick Willie has always been a proponent of Globalization — as is New York Times writer Paul Krugman). Everyone expects a free pass over this as that is how the country has operated since 9-11 (allowing Bush to get whatever he wanted)…

…Until the public learns about the deal.

Everyone cries foul — Republicans and Democrats alike. The Xenophobia of the Arab Boogeyman that Bush’s administration has so well played rears it’s ugly head. An Arab country in charge of US Ports?! An Arab country with ties to 9-11?!?

And yet, Krugman had a good point in a recent article which denounced this intolerance. The United States should be an active player in the global economy and we cannot run scared from a country in the middle east because of the ignorant and arrogant propoganda show that was put out by the Administration to further it’s agenda.

Of course I could go on about intolerance — everyone beign afraid of homosexuals, blacks and whites in the continued racial war of poverty, faux-Christians sullying Christian ideals and justifying hatred, violence and greed in His name, etc…

Isolationism – Go it alone, “with us or against us,” and the country trumping the world in matters of global politics (be it war, peace, treaties, signing off on elected officials in other countries or dispatchign elected officials in others)  The US has become largely islolated with thanks to it’s policies while being depedant and indebted to cheap foreign labor and despot oil suppliers.

The last month has been one of change for me. Physical change, emotional (?) change, personal change and some changes around me. They’ve been more accomplishments than setback and my mood hasn’t always been the best but there is progress in my life and that makes me feel better than I’ve felt in a long, long time.

Last year around this time I was falling into an abyss as I was losing ability with my legs. Go back for yourselves and take a look at June and July 2003 and you can find my personal writings that talk about my legs giving out from under me. Now? Now I’m again at a point where there is a great deal of light in front of me but I am not entirely ready to emerge from the tunnel of darkness.

Jack Ryan needed a year to regain the ability to walk, that was what was said in The Hunt For Red October and I won’t be surprised if it lingers that long for me.

Anyway, I’ve traded my walker (which I only use rarely) for a red cane and am mixed using that and trying to walk on my own. Comes and goes with how well I can do that but it’s close enough for government work.

I started not posting onto this journal last month because I’ve had my room torn up and lost in discordia (we’ll get to the discordia reference in a minute kiddies :wink ) as I’ve finally had my ugly mica furniture removed as well as had a real floor put in… It’s a big change from what I have had. Brighter. More positive for that matter. Good for the soul, say thank ya.

And of course things really got better the last week with me getting out and seeing I could do again – that’s with help, however. I have to still put up a post about what went on with my friend Keith but that’s for another post. Maybe tomorrow.

As for now, I go back to Stephen King’s latest – Song of Susannah which I’m enjoying as I near the finish of the book. Big step up from his last Dark Tower novel. I will give you a better review of the book when I am done…

Positives are around… Quite a change of pace for the Artful Dodger, but positives are around again — thank God.

So Brian Spilner… er, I mean Paul Walker is being courted to play Michael Knight or whoever the hero character ends up being in a Knight Rider movie…

As if they couldn’t do worse when it comes to finding someone to play the role.

Oh, I don’t mean to put down Paul Walker who I like regardless of the babble of a script that he was stuck with in 2 Fast 2 Furious, and the part he played in another mockery of another Crichton novel, Timeline. Regardless of all that, Paul Walker is the worst casting choice they could make for the movie — for both Walker and the Film itself for that matter.

As I started out this entry, Paul Walker is associated with Brian Spilner – the character he portrayed in the first two Fast and the Furious movies. Not only that, but Spilner’s character is supposed to be undercover law enforcement and a pretty good street racer (but he’s no Dominic Toretto – Vin Diesel’s character). Does he really want to be typecast into another Car flick? I mean, he was in a beat up car for most of Joyride” and the two Fast movies made big on the driving part…

And any role in Knight Rider would force him to further play the driver role. That being said, he’d be smart to turn the other cheek toward the project.

Now, whoever the hell is putting together the Knight Rider film does indeed want to cater a bit to the crowd of car fanatics that made the Fast movies big hits. They also want to distance themselves from the cheese of David Hasselhoff’s career. Fine, you can do that but dear god — if you want to imitate Fast and the Furious, don’t go so far as casting someone from those pictures to lead your film! You do not want Fast and the Furious fans coming into the theater expecting a third installment of the film series, only to find out that the flick is about a crime fighter and his talking, supped up car.

That being said, I still have hopes for a Knight Rider film, but they surely have to brain up unless this is going to be a spoof film all the way.

I admit it, I am a junkie. A total, dyed-in-wool junkie…

I want my walker fix, I need my assistive walker fix! If I don’t have my fix, I go crazy! I have a difficult time doing routine things like, well, walking! I need to lean! I want to lean! I want your support walker! UGH!

Seriously though, folks, being a gimp as my medical posts have so often referenced, I’ve been using a walker since last August and I’m starting to get peeved I am still dependent on it. Oh no, it’s not because I physically can’t walk without it any more… It’s that… Well, I can’t LET myself walk without it. It becomes so difficult!

I looked around the Internet and I couldn’t find anything on the psychological dependence patients build towards assistive devices in case they are using them for a long time. I’ve been confident that exists for a very long time after seeing plenty of elderly people, after surgery, insist on continuing to use assistive devices that they no longer need. It’s easier that way. I have to agree with them but at the same time — I’m a 24 year old and walking around as a gimp without something to lean on kills my social life.

Friend: “So, you wanna hang out?”

Me: “Sure, just make sure you drop me off curb side because the pavement is cracked in front of the building. Also help me get to my seat — screw chivalry! — I look like a fool pushing this aluminum walking thing around.”

Fun stuff :rolleyes

SO I gotta try to kick the habit. Be that by upgrading to a cane and making it Swing or by just getting rid of the walker and forcing myself to walk without it. Easier said than don, either way.

I’ve been torn this evening on my mood for the day as it has changed over and over again from positive to negative to positive again. I’ve been walking around without the walker today – and when I say that I don’t mean walking and leaning on shit but walking walking a weird walk that was almost toddler like but I was doing it. That had me stoked to no end….

But then the other shoe fell as I got a message from my friend Michelle. Michelle has been a friend for a year now and it came as news to me, and as quite a shock when I found out that she will be moving to Brooksville in July as her family just bought land up there. I’m friend with her dad too and the fact we talk online mostly means I won’t have that relationship bothered much but to lose Michelle hurts.

Of course, this was made up for to me in the smallest of ways as the Lightning beat the Islanders and moved on to the 2nd round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs… But that really doesn’t help me feel better that a good friend is going away.

Now John is stumbling around the house a bit — sans a walker.

For the first time in a very long time I am trying to make some headway around the house without a metal walker clutched in my hands… It’s difficult because I am still leaning against things and still walking with stiff legs for some reason or another but its a hell of a lot better than being certain that I would be trapped as a gimp for a long long time.

Further evidence that I am progressing — going shopping and not using a rinky dink electric cart to buzz around the store on Tuesday. That was fab.

I keep stating to friends that I am at wit’s end right now. I am waking up in the morning with no idea why I should get out of bed. I read the paper and maybe have a bite to eat when I DO get out of bed and then there is nothing else for me — the day is me gimping around or on the computer, both of which I get sick of.

I said a few months ago on here that i thought I saw a light at the end of the tunnel with regards to rehabbing and getting better from previous operations – but it’s a deceptive light. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m still dependent on the walker and it’s making me fear going out and doing or attempting to do — or just flat out holding me back. Psychologically, that is…

Things gotta improve – they just gotta… I don’t know how much more of the down I can take without a blast of the UP, so to speak.

Oh, the life of a walker-bound sports fan…

Last night me, Michelle, her brother Geoff and one of Geoff’s friends attend the Lightning vs. Devils game at Times Palace. The game itself was a bore for the most part but the company was real good.

What sucked was getting to and from the arena.

I haven’t walked through a cityscape with this walker and my first experience with that was last night – it’s tough folks. It’s even tougher getting into an arena without knowing the access points for cripples and gimps… No offense intended towards the disabled.

And leaving the building? Don’t get me started…

*sigh* — oh the Humanity…

John F. Kerry might be grinning like a schoolboy and John Edwards might be giddy too because they both have found new life after the Iowa caucus, but at the same time I have seen the Democratic Party take a severe hit. Mr. Dead and Mr. Inexperienced have gotten their new life and the villain — Howard Dean — from the Media’s take, is all but over as a candidate.

And if that’s the case, expect four more years of George W. Bush as president of the United States.

Look, this might look like sour grapes to certain democrats who see Bush as someone who HAS to get thrown out of office, no matter who it is facing him in November…. But the fact is John Kerry can’t carry the Democratic Party to victory in November. That’s been the case since he’s planned on running for President. Head to head, Bush would fleece Kerry in a general election not because of politics alone, but sheer personality. You see, Kerry lacks a personality… He comes off dead in both his looks and his attempts to show he has some shred of character. Riding motorcycles just won’t cut it, he comes off like Al Gore did in 2000.

Then there’s the “more of the same” dilemma to boot.

Kerry and Edwards are members of a group of Democrats who have failed to win over the hearts and minds of Americans as they have sat on Capital Hill. Not only have they failed on that task, they’ve failed to stand up for principles and values that are supposedly things that define the Democratic party. The fact they both voted for the Iraq war — and Kerry twisting the logic behind his yes vote shows his desperation to change history — is just part of the reason why I cannot bring myself to vote for either of them come November. It’s philosophical but at the same time, it’s personal. I’ve seen them both slander the lead candidate and twist his words, I’ve seen them both act exactly the same (in a non-impressive fashion) when speaking publicly…. More of the same, more of the same…

:puke

I don’t want more of the same. That was part of the reason I didn’t vote for Gore in the 2000 election — more of the same would have been scandals and his own flip-flopping on issues when speaking in public. Flip flopping specifically to seem more like his opponent and appeal to the moderates who were trying to guess who they would vote for. I certainly don’t want a candidate who is concerned about polling numbers and demographics when he tries to plot out how he would lead the United States. I want someone who’s not afraid to go against the grain, speak his mind, show some balls and kick some ass…

John F. Kerry, Joesph Lieberman, John Edwards and Dennis Kucinich don’t show that character… Al Sharpton may, but unfortunately he is also on the fringe. Howard Dean has consistently showed this and despite his loss in Iowa, despite the repeated airplay of his terrible Iowa speech blow-up, and despite what the media is saying, I still believe in him. I still back him… And I will continue to back him.

Heck, if Kerry or Edwards got the party nomination, I would sooner write Howard Dean in as where my vote was going than vote for them.

I believe in Dean.

One might get upset or urge me to think about General Wesley Clark, and for the most part — I’ve been thinking about him more lately as an alternative if in fact Dean is somehow eliminated in the near future (while Clark continues)…. The only problem with Clark is that, while he is knew to Politics, he comes off as a puppet of his advisor’s. THAT is more of the same as well — the same being George Walker Bush, the grand puppet of his advisor’s will… That isn’t something that appeals to me.

Dean appeals to me as being his own man… Someone willing to stand up and say “That’s not right!” and pick a fight over the issue….

Something Kerry failed to do.

Something Edwards and Lieberman failed to do.

Something Kucinich goes a little too wacky with his alternatives….

Something Sharpton needs to hone a little more…

Something Clark’s stances on aren’t always clear….

Something leading me to remain adamant that Howard Brush Dean, Medical Doctor, Former Governor of Vermont, is the one who should be the Forty Fourth president of the United States.