In May or 2004 — about six months after surgery — I switched from walking with a walker to walking with a cane. I quickly adjusted to life with another assistant device always clutched in my hand. I had just finished up with physical therapy, and I had been hoping I’d be past the need for anything to help me out.

So now it’s August 2008… Just days away from an anniversary of another major operation. Instead of marking the occasion with downer stories and worries and what not, I made a little choice during the day on Friday that’s effected my entire weekend and maybe my day-to-day life from now on.

I haven’t used my cane.

I own a pair of folding canes — one for the yard, the other for general use. I also have a solid wood one. All of them are scattered around the house, but out in obvious places as just-in-case reminders. The thing is, I haven’t needed them. I haven’t wanted them. I haven’t sought them. After 4 years of using them, I’m long overdue to take a liberating step without assistance. And that’s what I’ve done. Neighborhood walks, shopping walks, etc. It’s been a challenge but also a boost to my own self confidence in my physical ability.

It’s a small thing, really… And if i were sitting there reading this blog post, I’d be bummed out at the topic in the first place. But this isn’t supposed to be a post about tearing down as so much building up. A long overdue buildup. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Last year, I purchased a couple domain names – TampaBayRail.com and TampaBayRail.net. I intended to launch a web site on mass-transit and address the Tampa Bay area as one region. Not a separate-but-equal take that local government has had in the past on transit solutions. But those plans were soon forgotten as other issues worked into my life (including hand surgery, political campaigns and walking the dog).

Now, for those of you aware of what the local blogosphere has to offer, you already know David Pinero has Tampa Rail.org up and running. Pinero’s site is a great civic orientated pro-rail web site. The plan in my noggin’ with my own blog/site were just to ride the “rail” names but talk about all transit issues in general. But all of this is really beside the point, so let’s move on.

Basically, time goes by, the seasons change, the Gators were champs and John Grahame sucks. A few weeks ago I got notification from my domain registration company that both domain names were soon going to expire. I could renew the domain names for however-many-years I’d like or I could simply let them disappear into the digital tumbleweeds of the interweb. They’d likely be snatched up by a spammer or domain-name broker with no interest in Tampa, Tampa Bay, transit in Tampa Bay or rail in the region.

The whole thought reminded me of what happened to the previous official website that the city of Tampa and Hillsborough County operated regarding a rail system. A few years back (2002), those governments held the rights to TampaRail.com (check the wayback machine). For some reason, the powers that be (City of Tampa? Hillsborough County?) let that domain name expire around 2003. The name was quickly snatched up and exploited by a Russian domain name broker. The web site and url shifted to BlueHeronMedia.com, then ended up drifting into oblivion before being removed from their servers. Tampa’s official rail website was as dead as the pro-rail movement in the region. But the movement is now stirring again.

This past summer, we were all witness to the grand spectacle of the Hillsborough Expressway Authority trying to launch a new sprawlway through the region. Along with Mayor Pam Iorio (and the Tampa Bay Partnership and Tampa International Airport) renewing a push for a regional rail system through the Tampa Bay area. Emphasis on the Tampa Bay regionalism of their presented interest.

So, what’s a guy to do? I have control of TampaBayRail.com and .net. I could sell them and possibly recoup some of the costs of the domain names — eventually. Instead, I decided to do some good. I offered both domains to the City of Tampa. You entrepreneurs may see this as a waste of money on my part, but just consider it a good deed.

Suffice to say, the city was receptive of the idea, so both names are now controlled by Mayor Pam. I don’t expect you to see a regional rail website any time soon, but there is the possibility for a united Tampa Bay rail effort on the web — with TampaBayRail.com potentially it’s base location on the web.

I’m not that much of a dog person (that’s Jenna‘s thing ) but there is some significance to having Madeline get her next set of shots.

I can start walking her out of the neighborhood and taking her to the dog park and such.

Now if only I could keep her from going completely ape-shit happy when she sees people and keep her from wanting to run across the street to greet them and such…

I had a good night. I decided to go out for dinner and had some drinks and made the mistake of walking almost 2 miles home — drunk. That’s ok though. I was observant enough not to get hit by a car here in the worst place in the United States to be a pedestrian.

Something else is fudging with me and it’s not something that makes sense to me because it’s a contradiction of sorts…. Having a friend who has been someone you rely on and finding they haven’t been making you better as much as you thought. About how I changed for someone and how it was detrimental to me in general.

And I’d get into that but I like being obtuse about it. Better for all parties involved because you all have to figure out WTF I am talking about

At the same time I have been focusing on myself a lot more — on things with my life and trying to improve them or figure out how the hell to do that. Someone else — well, a couple of people — have been pushing me forward with that and it’s all good… (this should clear up some of the obtuseness) Hopefully something comes from it before my body decides to mess with me again.

2:05 AM EST on Sunday as I finish this post up… And I’m wondering when I’ll go to sleep….

Last year I had an excuse for being AFB (Away From Blog) as I was feeling like shit and recovering from surgery. This year? Computer hardware problems and a slow delievery of replacement parts.

So, not only do I lack updates at Der Stonegauge but also on der Boltsmag, der Baseball Boards, Chantilly Lace Gifts and the like. It’s a real pain in the ass because I need to do work and I can’t ACCESS my work. All of that information is locked away quaintly on my hard drive while other hardware makes my computer un-usable.

Damn you, IBM-Compatible PC’s!!!

Happy Holidays, anyway. I have been keeping busy by walking here and there, doing housework, and more which I can talk about later in entries on the blog.

Today we had somewhere around 20 people over for dinner… well, 20 people would be a few too many but it fluctuated in the teens all afternoon. Uncle’s, my aunt, my cousin and her daughter, my younger brother (while Mike skipped out on things) and other family friends. It was a great get-together for the most part and I had a lot of fun with things.

I brought up what I am thankful for (“That I’m not lying in a hospital bed this year.” ) to a round of applause and through the liquor and the laughter I easily forgot where I was a year ago today or what I suffered through at the time (no, not surgery — watching George W. Bush and his faux visit to Iraq).

But someone had to ruin the day for me.

It wasn’t family – though their reaction did indeed bother me. It wasn’t friends of the family – though I notably started acting strange when some people showed up. No, it was the fact certain people turned up with both their kids in tote that I had problems with. I mean MAJOR problems. It basically ruined the evening for me….

The family pretty much embraced them and that made me further angry — as someone who has opened his arms after being stepped on and then gotten stepped on again, I couldn’t stand to watch this train wreck in action.

Speaking of train wrecks, I was happy to see Kylie was walking. Kylie being my cousin Amber’s daughter. I had gotten very upset during her first birthday party when I saw not only was she not walking but she looked like she wasn’t nearly ready for it. I’m glad I’ve been proved wrong on that one.

So… To summarize — a year later I am in good spiriits. I’m not wasting away in a hospital bed with only a friend at my side and a Subway sandwitch to eat. I’m happy I am spending time with my family and out and about… I’m thankful that I’m not having nightmares of someone’s blog or having Christmas Cards thrown out…

I’m thankful….

“I’m only sorta gimpy. I can get there by myself.” I told a curb side check in agent for American Airlines. He smirked and let out a laugh and I went on my way into Tampa International Airport to start my trip on Tuesday morning. I had my Eastman backpack swung over my shoulders, dress pants on and my “trusty” cane in hand as I navigated the terminal and made my way to the airside concourse.

American Airlines made it real easy on me and helped me out the entire way to and from Burbank. Being it lead onto the plane by a Stewardess in Tampa or the ticket-agent trying to get me a replacement flight to Tampa from Dallas if I didn’t make that conneciton flight (more on that later)… AA kicked ass in their service.

The big thing about this that upset my parents and extended family was I was going 2200 miles by my lonesome as my first trip solo. Not to mention I’m still a gimp to one extent or another, walking with and without a cane at times.

Not like I needed to care about being gimpy once I got on the streets of LA.

If there’s one difference that is night and day in La Cuidad de Angels compared to Tampa/St. Pete and the suburbs, it’s the fact that pedestrians have the right of way. Here in Florida, I’d get run down sooner than a car actually wait to turn during a green light. In Los Angeles? I got honked at for not walking and waving cars on at an intersection. That was the biggest adjustment, and the most pleasing.

The other thing that hits me hard every time I am out there is getting used to being surrounded by minorities. Mexicans, Japaneese, African Americans, etc…. One huge eclectic mix. Here in the south, people can only hold closed minded views and hold fear when thinking about situations like that. Me? I fucking LOVED it.

Sure, there is the idea you could get jumped by a gang here and there — that was before I did some thinking and observing. Grandma’s were out walking with canes, unmolested by teens hanging out and kids walking around with CD players weren’t being attacked… I think that gives you an idea it’s safe to be out and about during the daytime and not so intimidated…

At any rate, half the reason I was able to do this trip was my buddy out west, Mark Albracht who I know from SkyscraperPage.com. Me and Mark have known each other a while and have been friends for the past year +…. He had picked me up at the airport and we also spent some time in Hollywood looking around and stuff. It was fun to be out there and see some of the places that I have only heard about (the Kodak theater, the Egyptian….. The Walk of fame…).

Damn, there is so much to talk about and yet I am just rambling through it. And at the same time, there is little to talk about because I didn’t do much while out there. While I liked being on my own on a trip, I would have loved a peer with me (not a parent) to enjoy some of the things that I passed on or didn’t spend enough time with.

Of course, the trip did have it’s low point – my birthday . The day started off as it normally did in LA but I had an appointment that morning. A long overdue ABI checkup. What went so bad? Being forced into an MRI that i didn’t want to have done, having to sit around for four hours until I had the prodcedure, then being in physical and emotional pain with how I was dealt with by the staff… To summarize my birthday was to summarize my life: spent with me trying to look good, voyaging, meeting a friend, being duped by a faux ally, pain, humiliation and ultimately ending alone. Great attitude, wouldn’t you say?

Oh, I forgot to add the part about Burbank. Saturday morning I left my hotel (after barely getting any sleep) to encounter the worst fog I had seen first hand since I was a kid. The flight was grounded until almost 9 and could have made me miss my conneciton flight home… And like I said, a ticket agent stepped right up and arranged things for me if I did miss my connection. Luckily, once airborn, we made up time lost and actually came in ahead of schedule (but still not enough time for this guy to grab a meal while on the DFW International concourse.

I’m planning on getting away some more in coming weeks. A trip to NY for instance…. Who knows where else. Where I’m wanted and where I’m curious would most likely be it.

Before anyone lays into me about being a bandwagon fan, I support the Buccaneers and haven’t turned a blind eye because another team in town won a championship. The Bucs earned my love over the years from miserable to respectable, and the Lightning won my love since their inception and I place hockey just ahead of football because it was a sport I liked to compete in.

Anyway, I haven’t abandoned the Bucs but I have to turn my eyes because of the train wreck the franchise has become.

Lets go to January of 2003 first and foremost and Jon Gruden / The Tampa Bay Buccaneers winning the Super Bowl. When Jon won the title, little did fans know it gave him carte blanche over the Buccaneer Franchise. A team assembled by Rich McKay and Tony Dungy was put over the top by Jon and of course we all loved him for it because this was the Buccaneers finally reaching the paramount of the NFL after being as low as you could get for so long.

Things fell apart last year as Jon Gruden started to follow a trend that previous Buccaneer coaches have shown and fallen with — Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The Glazer’s catered to his every whim and the only guy who stood in his way was Rich McKay…

Was, past tense. Rich left the only franchise he had known and went north to Atlanta… Jon was allowed to keep walking the walk he wanted and the Bucs continued the downward spiral.

A trend from Oakland seems to be in place here — not just a desire for veteran players over building a team from the ground up with talented youngsters, but also a “Just win, baby” mentality that tells players their off-field antics amount to shit as long as they perform on the field.

Case in point – Michael Pittman remains on the Buccaneer roster even though he is guilty of ramming his car into his wifes vehicle with children inside. He faces possible jail time and Jon Gruden could give a shit.

The Bucs picked up another ass-clown from the Raiders in the form of Bruce Allen who cut one foo the greatest players in Tampa Bay Buccaneer history – John Lynch — and signed one of the most notorious players in NFL history — Darrell Russell, who drugged a girl and taped him and his friends raping her.
Allen went so far as to compare Russell with former president Bill Clinton and said the rapist is guilty of less crimes than Clinton. (side-note, Allen’s brother is a Republican Senator in Virginia)

I could keep going with moves the Bucs have made and crimes their players have committed since the Super Bowl Championship, but I can’t. It’s watching a train wreck as it occurs and their are more people than just myself who can see this. For the first time since Raymond James Stadium was opened, their are tickets available on Ticketmaster for Buccaneers games this late after the initial public offering of tickets. The Bucs boast a season ticket waiting list of 110 thousand but all it takes is filling out a form online in order to do so. Somehow, my name is on the Season Ticket waiting list and I hate watching football in person. I didn’t sign up and I don’t have the foggiest clue how I got on there…

The number is artificially inflated and more than half of those on this waiting list would not invest in the current product on field.

I look at the Buccaneers this season and I see the train wreck in progress. I feel bad for guys like Derrick Brooks and Mike Alstott who are pillars in the community and who will be cut lose if it meant a marginal offensive tool could be picked up. The once vaulted defense is in shambles and Jon Gruden was given a contract extension before the season to continue is free reign over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

6-10 may be a reach but 4-12 is still a possibility this season. Break out the orange, it’s Yuccaneer football all over again.

Most of my posts are being devoted to Boltsmag right now and that means my rants on Rummy, movies (The Last Samurai was good – though I can spoil it and say “…because it’s Tom Cruise” ), the weather, walking, furniture, flooring, etc…

As for now, digging up news on the Lightning and making the Boltsmag site more accommodating is where I’m focused…. Well, that and trying to rehab.

I want my walker fix, I need my assistive walker fix! If I don’t have my fix, I go crazy! I have a difficult time doing routine things like, well, walking! I need to lean! I want to lean! I want your support walker! UGH!

Seriously though, folks, being a gimp as my medical posts have so often referenced, I’ve been using a walker since last August and I’m starting to get peeved I am still dependent on it. Oh no, it’s not because I physically can’t walk without it any more… It’s that… Well, I can’t LET myself walk without it. It becomes so difficult!

I looked around the Internet and I couldn’t find anything on the psychological dependence patients build towards assistive devices in case they are using them for a long time. I’ve been confident that exists for a very long time after seeing plenty of elderly people, after surgery, insist on continuing to use assistive devices that they no longer need. It’s easier that way. I have to agree with them but at the same time — I’m a 24 year old and walking around as a gimp without something to lean on kills my social life.

Friend: “So, you wanna hang out?”

Me: “Sure, just make sure you drop me off curb side because the pavement is cracked in front of the building. Also help me get to my seat — screw chivalry! — I look like a fool pushing this aluminum walking thing around.”

Fun stuff :rolleyes

SO I gotta try to kick the habit. Be that by upgrading to a cane and making it Swing or by just getting rid of the walker and forcing myself to walk without it. Easier said than don, either way.

But then the other shoe fell as I got a message from my friend Michelle. Michelle has been a friend for a year now and it came as news to me, and as quite a shock when I found out that she will be moving to Brooksville in July as her family just bought land up there. I’m friend with her dad too and the fact we talk online mostly means I won’t have that relationship bothered much but to lose Michelle hurts.

Of course, this was made up for to me in the smallest of ways as the Lightning beat the Islanders and moved on to the 2nd round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs… But that really doesn’t help me feel better that a good friend is going away.

For the first time in a very long time I am trying to make some headway around the house without a metal walker clutched in my hands… It’s difficult because I am still leaning against things and still walking with stiff legs for some reason or another but its a hell of a lot better than being certain that I would be trapped as a gimp for a long long time.

Further evidence that I am progressing — going shopping and not using a rinky dink electric cart to buzz around the store on Tuesday. That was fab.

I inserted lines of my own too in certain situations… Just for fun. It didn’t occur to me just who this reminded me of until tonight.

I get online and start reading the hilarious 64 Reasons to Hate Attack of the Clones and come across this gem at #25:

Bustin’ on Artoo
There’s this one scene where Padme and Anakin are walking on Naboo and she says she’s a little nervous and he confesses to also being nervous since this is his first assignment by himself. “Don’t worry,” Padme says. “We have Artoo with us.” Then they both laugh about how ridiculous a concept it is that Artoo could be at all useful. Artoo beeps and if Threepio were there to translate it would probably be something along the lines of “Fuck you both.”

The moment I read that, remembering the scene from the movie, I agreed with the above sentiment that Artoo would have been mouthing off here… Not only that, but R2-D2 has got to be what inspired Kenny McCormick of South Park.

Now, not to piss off South Park fans by suggesting this and knowing the full truth to who inspired Kenny, I just see the odd parallels between the two characters.

1) Unintelligible — Be it Artoo’s beeps or Kenny’s muffled statements, both characters almost speak a foreign dialect
2) Ability to piss people off — Be it Cartman or 3P0, Kenny and Artoo’s mouths
tend to have snide responses for others statements
3) Getting in trouble — Artoo gets hit in Star Wars and is severely damaged, Artoo falls in a Swamp and gets eaten in Empire Strike Back, Artoo falls into the Sand of the Dune Sea as well as getting shot during the Battle of Endor during Return of the Jedi… Kenny gets killed during every single fucking episode of South Park.

It’s uncanny, I tell you…

There are probably more similarities that I can’t think of right now, but I swear to you that Kenny and Artoo have to be related somehow with these odd coincidences… If not, Artoo had to inspire Kenny in a roundabout, fucked up kind of way…

It’s not because the movie made a difference, it’s because other things and such. Pay no heed to my whining, lets go back to the movie that I am talking about, and that is Michael Moore’s Bowling For Columbine which just about everyone has seen or has heard of and has an opinion about.

Part of the reason I put off watching it was because I felt like shit at the time. Won’t go into the rest of it. Moore’s film brought up a statement or two that I totally agree with. One is a statement that a cartoon tried to underline and another is a statement that Marilyn Manson – Home I am no fan of – made to Moore. There were also plenty of other things (Matt Stone’s thoughts about high school – how I only came to realize that a year after I got out of High School… That’s just one example) but these two statements that were made were what sold the movie to me most.

The first statement I will re-convey is Manson’s statement that we are a nation driven by consumption and fear. Our fear drives our consumption and our consumption is what drives our fear. You see a nation that is over-weight and yet you see commercials telling you to drink beer to get laid. Cause – effect. You see commercials telling you how to act and how many teens and young adults are terrorized because they are not the actors with the polished skin in these commercials? How many are driven to buy products slung by these actors in commercials because they think it will help them fit in?

Goes for smoking too — Peer pressure? Sure… Image conscious is peer-pressure to another degree – the desire to fit in. To be cool. To be popular…

The second statement that made the largest effect on me was a statement Manson already made but a Cartoon illustrated best – we are a nation driven by fear. We’re afraid the big black man walking down the street is going to get us. We’re afraid that if we don’t stop the government from taking our money, they will just blow it on crack-whore welfare and pork barrels, we’re afraid that if we don’t bomb the living hell out of a country, they’ll bomb the living hell out of us. The fear drives us, the fear catapults us to acting without thinking, acting in retaliation before there is anything to retaliate about.

Are we a country with an inferiority complex or insecurity complex?

Bowling for Columbine doesn’t offer us solutions to our problems – it just look sat our problems… That itself might be part of the problem… If we have no framework of the alternative to what we know, there is no reason to look at an alternative. Of course, the alternative to owning a gun is to go with out – scratch one. Then there is the idea of having to have a license and knowledge of how to handle a fire arm to own one… The NRA would never go for that (even though the only thing it is doing is making sure gun owners are EDUCATED). Scratch two.

More of the same is the other alternative that comes to mind and hope society changes it’s ways. Ha! Like that will happen? Scratch three. :sad

Of course, last time I had a stellar day was the day I came home from the hospital two months ago to the day. Of course, the good day I am talking about was yesterday so it isn’t 2 months ago to the day but… Oh, technicalities :tongue.

Yesterday wasn’t good because of something happening, it was just a good vibe in general over my life again. The “distant light” that I alluded to back in January is about 15 feet in front of me now — as the Goal I set for myself might be a little hint on that. I’m not sure on my feet but I can stand on my own, I’ve been practicing walking, I’ve been getting out on my own.

I’m thinking about trying to do things again that involve me getting out of the house — wondering how long it will be before i am fully capable of it. Going to work? Visiting my friend Bill in Orlando? Taking in a Lightning game (I am chafing at the bit over that one)?

Spring is clearly in the air here in Florida and I just have that positive vibe starting to surround me again in some ways and not in others. It’s good to feel positive for a change and not just dull wonder….