I’ve been torn this evening on my mood for the day as it has changed over and over again from positive to negative to positive again. I’ve been walking around without the walker today – and when I say that I don’t mean walking and leaning on shit but walking walking a weird walk that was almost toddler like but I was doing it. That had me stoked to no end….

But then the other shoe fell as I got a message from my friend Michelle. Michelle has been a friend for a year now and it came as news to me, and as quite a shock when I found out that she will be moving to Brooksville in July as her family just bought land up there. I’m friend with her dad too and the fact we talk online mostly means I won’t have that relationship bothered much but to lose Michelle hurts.

Of course, this was made up for to me in the smallest of ways as the Lightning beat the Islanders and moved on to the 2nd round of the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs… But that really doesn’t help me feel better that a good friend is going away.

Now John is stumbling around the house a bit — sans a walker.

For the first time in a very long time I am trying to make some headway around the house without a metal walker clutched in my hands… It’s difficult because I am still leaning against things and still walking with stiff legs for some reason or another but its a hell of a lot better than being certain that I would be trapped as a gimp for a long long time.

Further evidence that I am progressing — going shopping and not using a rinky dink electric cart to buzz around the store on Tuesday. That was fab.

I recently saw the original Star Wars Trilogy on film (pirated Version — Han Shoots First, bitch! ) and was sorta’ sick because of how corny C3PO and R2-D2 were in the movies… But I can also remember how I was watching the movie and would see Artoo beep-blip-bloop and 3P0 seemingly translate what Artoo said into something rude (his responses told you this) and assumed Artoo was saying something dirty at the time.

I inserted lines of my own too in certain situations… Just for fun. It didn’t occur to me just who this reminded me of until tonight.

I get online and start reading the hilarious 64 Reasons to Hate Attack of the Clones and come across this gem at #25:

Bustin’ on Artoo
There’s this one scene where Padme and Anakin are walking on Naboo and she says she’s a little nervous and he confesses to also being nervous since this is his first assignment by himself. “Don’t worry,” Padme says. “We have Artoo with us.” Then they both laugh about how ridiculous a concept it is that Artoo could be at all useful. Artoo beeps and if Threepio were there to translate it would probably be something along the lines of “Fuck you both.”

The moment I read that, remembering the scene from the movie, I agreed with the above sentiment that Artoo would have been mouthing off here… Not only that, but R2-D2 has got to be what inspired Kenny McCormick of South Park.

Now, not to piss off South Park fans by suggesting this and knowing the full truth to who inspired Kenny, I just see the odd parallels between the two characters.

1) Unintelligible — Be it Artoo’s beeps or Kenny’s muffled statements, both characters almost speak a foreign dialect
2) Ability to piss people off — Be it Cartman or 3P0, Kenny and Artoo’s mouths
tend to have snide responses for others statements
3) Getting in trouble — Artoo gets hit in Star Wars and is severely damaged, Artoo falls in a Swamp and gets eaten in Empire Strike Back, Artoo falls into the Sand of the Dune Sea as well as getting shot during the Battle of Endor during Return of the Jedi… Kenny gets killed during every single fucking episode of South Park.

It’s uncanny, I tell you…

There are probably more similarities that I can’t think of right now, but I swear to you that Kenny and Artoo have to be related somehow with these odd coincidences… If not, Artoo had to inspire Kenny in a roundabout, fucked up kind of way…

There was a movie I rented before I went in for surgery in August — and it’s also a movie I put off watching… And continued to put off watching after someone told me that they had seen it and it made a profound statement to them.

It’s not because the movie made a difference, it’s because other things and such. Pay no heed to my whining, lets go back to the movie that I am talking about, and that is Michael Moore’s Bowling For Columbine which just about everyone has seen or has heard of and has an opinion about.

Part of the reason I put off watching it was because I felt like shit at the time. Won’t go into the rest of it. Moore’s film brought up a statement or two that I totally agree with. One is a statement that a cartoon tried to underline and another is a statement that Marilyn Manson – Home I am no fan of – made to Moore. There were also plenty of other things (Matt Stone’s thoughts about high school – how I only came to realize that a year after I got out of High School… That’s just one example) but these two statements that were made were what sold the movie to me most.

The first statement I will re-convey is Manson’s statement that we are a nation driven by consumption and fear. Our fear drives our consumption and our consumption is what drives our fear. You see a nation that is over-weight and yet you see commercials telling you to drink beer to get laid. Cause – effect. You see commercials telling you how to act and how many teens and young adults are terrorized because they are not the actors with the polished skin in these commercials? How many are driven to buy products slung by these actors in commercials because they think it will help them fit in?

Goes for smoking too — Peer pressure? Sure… Image conscious is peer-pressure to another degree – the desire to fit in. To be cool. To be popular…

The second statement that made the largest effect on me was a statement Manson already made but a Cartoon illustrated best – we are a nation driven by fear. We’re afraid the big black man walking down the street is going to get us. We’re afraid that if we don’t stop the government from taking our money, they will just blow it on crack-whore welfare and pork barrels, we’re afraid that if we don’t bomb the living hell out of a country, they’ll bomb the living hell out of us. The fear drives us, the fear catapults us to acting without thinking, acting in retaliation before there is anything to retaliate about.

Are we a country with an inferiority complex or insecurity complex?

Bowling for Columbine doesn’t offer us solutions to our problems – it just look sat our problems… That itself might be part of the problem… If we have no framework of the alternative to what we know, there is no reason to look at an alternative. Of course, the alternative to owning a gun is to go with out – scratch one. Then there is the idea of having to have a license and knowledge of how to handle a fire arm to own one… The NRA would never go for that (even though the only thing it is doing is making sure gun owners are EDUCATED). Scratch two.

More of the same is the other alternative that comes to mind and hope society changes it’s ways. Ha! Like that will happen? Scratch three. :sad

It’s been a long time since I had myself a good day…. Just a positive day with the outlook actually better than it had been.

Of course, last time I had a stellar day was the day I came home from the hospital two months ago to the day. Of course, the good day I am talking about was yesterday so it isn’t 2 months ago to the day but… Oh, technicalities :tongue.

Yesterday wasn’t good because of something happening, it was just a good vibe in general over my life again. The “distant light” that I alluded to back in January is about 15 feet in front of me now — as the Goal I set for myself might be a little hint on that. I’m not sure on my feet but I can stand on my own, I’ve been practicing walking, I’ve been getting out on my own.

I’m thinking about trying to do things again that involve me getting out of the house — wondering how long it will be before i am fully capable of it. Going to work? Visiting my friend Bill in Orlando? Taking in a Lightning game (I am chafing at the bit over that one)?

Spring is clearly in the air here in Florida and I just have that positive vibe starting to surround me again in some ways and not in others. It’s good to feel positive for a change and not just dull wonder….

OK, so there is no chance I am competing in the Olympics next year.

Dr. Smith put me on Steroids earlier this week for preparation of the big day, Wednesday. He wanted me at my strongest for the operation and post-op and I can tell you right now I am better off than I have been with muscle strength than I have been in weeks. I’m up walking around a lot more and doing a lot more than I had been as my legs have been fading the past few weeks.

Of course, this means I am going to have more of a time building up muscle strength again after I am done with my prescription, because you always have a tougher time with muscles after steroid use… but for the mean time, I think I’ll live with it. Who knows, this could be a grim last visit to the land of legging-it-out. :sad

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” The Tragedy of McBeth Act V, Scene V

I always loved this soliloquy after Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School made us memorize it and recite it from the heart. It’s stayed with me these years but it was brought back to my mind only after a trip to http://www.blo.gs

Why did it come back? I don’t know… Why do I like it? Maybe I can see life like how MacBeth states it? It’s just a shadow, a poor player who struts his hour upon the stage and then is never heard again….

I’m going insane. Slowly but surely, I am going insane.

You see, I’ve been without the ability to walk safely for several months now and I have been houseridden since September since I had surgery on my upper back. During that time my leg muscles have gotten stronger but alas — the nerves running to my legs have only gotten weaker and my balance has also suffered.

I live on the 2nd floor of a house that is anything but a place for a disabled person to live. I have the damnedest time getting up and down the stairs and it takes an effort. When I am downstairs, I either have to use a walker or I have to roll around in a wheelchair. This is a big departure for me, as I used to walk for miles just for the hell of it. Now I can’t bring myself to walk very well because my legs have given out on me.

So I’m forced to do up-and-down the stairs and around-the-house a few hundred times a day and that is the extent of me getting around, and it is driving me fucking insane. You are probably wondering “Why aren’t you going outside, John?” The answer to that question is because of the “stoop” that I have to get over to get out the door while wheelchair bound. Even WHEN I get out the door, sometimes I have my parents and brother carelessly parked so I can’t exit the walkway because their cars are in the way.

And when I get around the car? If I get around the car? Then it’s a matter of my own strength and my own determination to get down the block – which is a difficult task in a wheelchair when you have a hill that slants the sidewalk. I being a wheelchair novice, have the damnedest time trying to deal with that, and end up annoyed and just plain tired with pushing myself by the time I reach a certain point two or three houses away.

I am going oh so crazy. Six, five, four, three, two, one, switch.
(anyone remember Sharon, Lois and Bram? :tongue)

SO up and down and around and around and around the first floor is my flight plan if anything and even THEN — staying inside — I have too many things in my way or making it tough for me to get around — tables positioned a certain way, chairs in the way, my mothers sandals kicked out in the open, end tables, etc, etc, etc.

This house is no place for a disabled person and this thing that some woudl argue is a life, is not worth living right now. Purpose escapes me, the simple refuge of gettin gaway also escapes me. How I lust for the past… Walking for miles just for the hell of it seems so long ago. The shopping centers where I would go seem so far away now… So far away when you just can’t get out there on your own….

It really bugs me… not just bugs me – hurts me — when I have someone close to me not able to comprehend what I’m going through with my life and doesn’t seem to open up to try to understand it better.

Who am I talking about? My brother.

You see, Mike decided to get on me because he found out a birthday gift I got him cost a bit of cash.. This is the same guy who gave me an LCD monitor as a gift last year… Him bitching about expensive gifts is the last thing he should be doing. At any rate, he also wanted me to watch the first season of Alias and got on me when he found out I hadn’t been wasting my time watching it all day every day.

He then got on me for my time spent online and told me I really needed to just drop online friends period.

Great, Mike, you hit the nail on the head with something I would love to do. Did you forget that I lost my hearing a few years back and it makes physical conversation difficult (so much so that if you won’t make an attempt to talk to me, why do you think others will)? How about the fact that I don’t have a social job right now, compared to yourself, that gets me out in the open every day? Well, before you harp on me about having a job, how about the fact you see I am a gimp right now and walking around with a walker? Struggling up and down the stairs every day and a god-damned shut in up until I get a wheelchair? Does that, possibly, make any more sense to you why I deal with anyone online instead of going out right now…?

It’s not like I gave up on life… Unlike the man who harped on me for not sitting on my ass and just watching movies all day… No… I try to accomplish with the little bit of ability I have to do stuff (writing, web design). Maybe I talk to people online but it’s not like it’s a wide plethora of people. In fact it’s a closing world of people….

Sorry to whine, sorry to rant, sorry to have the bar at the Pity Party open for business… I just had to vent my frustrations.

This was a day of surprise and un-accomplishments. A day of procrastination and aggravation along with laziness and hope. It was a day of knowing what i have to accomplish and not going out and doing it — you can be shown the door, shown the path, but only you can walk it through.

I know I have to get back to writing – I have to try to contact Lou Fisher once again and just let him know I am ok and all that. Long Ridge’s website wasn’t working well for me before and after my operation and I am hesitant to try-try-again. I haven’t even looked at Assignment 5 nor have I done an edit of Assignment 4 using Lou’s recommendations but I know i will have to put my nose to the grindstone soon on that.

I haven’t heard from PIF Magazine or Glimmer Train magazine with regards to my entries to their publications from last month — one was a contest entry and I shouldn’t hear back until November (from Glimmer Train) but PIF is supposed to be a monthly publication and I have heard crap from them.

So what was the surprise? Take the good with the bad. It was sort of wacky the fact I had thought to re-iterate to Sarah yesterday (but didn’t, mind you) that she can use my journal to vent any time she wants to. Lo and behold an email from her this morning saying she had done just that after a crappy night. The other surprise — of the bad sort — is my left leg continuing to be weak as hell. Not just that but the fact fo the matter is I don’t know if the leg is there, from how it feels, and it effects my balance and everything else. Walking is a burden with it because I can’t seem to control my knee or my ankle.

Yeah, bad news folks.

And you thought all my entries were going to start being of substance and quality again? Shame on you!